enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Relatively clean slate

I'm out of words, but in a good way.

Things are calm. I find these days that I refuse to ruminate about anything. There are things about which to be sad, but now is not the time for that in my life. Gah I could scream for all of the time that I've wasted stuck in that place, simply because I didn't have the courage or presence of mind to choose a path of thinking other than the habitual one. But now, I simply refuse to go back there.

Last night I got on my bike trainer for a bit, which was nice. I made some food. I zoned out. I keep on brainstorming about how much I would love to change jobs and to what, but I know I should wait a bit before I do this. My department is unlikely to be downsized. I need a secure job.

Planning and self-control are not things that come naturally to me. :) My plans have always been overruled by my sponteneity. This time, I have chained myself to a spreadsheet. I've got all of my earnings marked out and how I'm going to save them marked out as well. I've NEVER managed to succeed in not spontaneously deciding to veer off my plan. I've often viewed that as a positive trait - not a hoarder, not cheap about spending on others, able to travel and experience life, not rigid. But these days I think it would be good for me to stick to a rigid schedule, and not only in terms of finances (i.e. I'm going to set rigid plans vis-a-vis career change and volunteering, language study (French and Italian and going to the Italian community centre for films, etc., etc.), that I will adhere to). I think it's a metaphor for the kind of discipline that I'm trying to impose on my mental habits. And I think that all of this is good for me. The world is a tough place. My life will be much less than it could be if I allow myself to languish again in bouts of anxiety. Not good. I want to toughen up. I want to go out and seize the things that so many people seize so unthinkingly, simply because they are not paralyzed by fear.

I keep on thinking of my mother's oldest brother in this. He's always been the most "successful" person I know - great family, great job, prestige, etc., etc., even though he's an insensitive jerk in a number of ways. I've never understood how it is that people like that get so much thrown at their feet. The only thing I can say about my uncle is that he's never appeared to possess any self-doubt. Maybe people run to that. I've envied his apparent unthinkingness. My mother used to say that everything my uncle did he did with very little preparation. He just "decided" that he could do something, and then he went out and told other people that he could do it. We all should be gifted with a little more of that sort of bravado, I think. If only people like that would apply their drive to selfless goals like feeding the world's hungry...

Anyhow. I really don't have anything interesting to say. I'm going to do a couple of creative projects this weekend and at least take a walk to the market. First, I think some meditation and stretching of my neck and back are in order.

I hope you're having a good one. Time for breakfast!

XX Of course, knowing me, all of the aforementioned will go to rot and I will go out and do something explosively spontaneous...Just wait!

10:21 a.m. - 2010-06-19

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