enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh


bleak that flips over to daffodil

Oh Lordy...

SO I'm in a dark mood today. And I know exactly what it is (well, it's possibly my period). It's my mother.

A few weeks ago, I told my mother about Gianni. I shouldn't have bothered. It was a dumb move. Right away she imagined some bizarre scenario in which I brought him over here and got married and he was hanging out with her brother and sister-in-law because he's a scientist and they're scientists!

And I said, "Gee, that's unlikely, but whatever you want to fantasize about."

I haven't seen her brother and sister-in-law in about ten years, because, frankly, they're unhappy and a bit nuts. Not really into that.

And anyhow, my mother then reacted with, "You probably wouldn't even introduce me to him."

And I'm like (don't you love colloquialisms?), "Gee, this is all ridiculously hypothetical. I just told you I had a friend. I wasn't asking you to plan my future with him. And why wouldn't I introduce him to you?"

So she didn't respond to that.

And so we had a fight last week about her father's estate. I don't want his dirty money. She's going to parade all the way to bank and have fun with it, she says. My mother doesn't know how to have fun, in my humble opinion, but to each his or her own. My mother will buy another house and decorate it, which I suppose is her kind of fun. she was all sulky after I said I didn't want his money, on account of his horrible attitude towards me and all women. But yesterday, in a spirit of generosity, after I found out that Gianni had trovato a wonderful apartment in Florence for a good price, I invited my mother to come over for a week. She's always going on about how she'd like to see Italy, how eating pasta for a week is her idea of a dream. She's retired. I figured: Invite her over, she can meet Gianni. I even offered to buy her plane ticket.

So it was clear that she was still sulking like a little baby over the estate thing, because she responded as if she were responding to a customer who had complained about a defective product, but to whom the company was willing to offer nothing but the finger.

SO that made me feel a little bit dark today. I can never win with her. Why do I try? She always tries to take every little bit of independence and joy that I feel in my activities, and she rains on any generosity that I demonstrate. WHY? Why do I still feel I must try?

I'm a fool.

I'm also depressed because in some insane twist of fate, the Canadian population has turned right wing, and the country I grew up in is disintegrating before my eyes. We have a government that was declared in contempt of Parliament. And yet, the Canadian public will likely vote them in again. I weep. I weep.

I don't know what else. I also had to cancel my highlights appointment for work today, and I still had to pay. Frankly, in the end I am happy. I'm simply not a colour-my-hair kind of a girl. I feel better natural. I don't know what it is, but I'm just going to go grey. Fortunately, the hairs that seem to be coming in appear to be white, and my grandmother on my father's side had lovely white hair. I like white hair. Maybe I'll get lucky.
In any event, it's only hair. Fuck it.

What made me happy today? Well, I got my figl3aves order. It swam over from England, I think, but it's all lovely and fits! Yippee!! I bought one crazy bra and panties set that is covered in incredibly gaudy flowers. I don't know what I was thinking at the time, but likely a winter of vertigo and sleet and snow had done me in. They're quite marvellously tarty though. That'll be a surprise...

I also enjoyed listening to the birdsong at sunset as I took out the recycling in the back, by the giant recycling bins. That sounds rather sad, but actually it was the best part of my day. Now I'm preparing a homemade dough for a pizza. I don't really want to eat pizza tonight but I had planned a potato leek soup and...I don't have any potatoes. What a planner am I!



8:04 p.m. - 2011-04-08


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Come al solito - 2011-04-16
unfettered spending - 2011-04-15
How does it go? - 2011-04-14
Whirlwind. - 2011-04-13
bleak that flips over to daffodil - 2011-04-08