enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Fraught

Sad?

I'm not going to dwell on this for long, because we all know how productive THAT is.

Seeing my mom always does a number on my self-esteem. It absolutely plummetted this time.

I felt so badly that I can't have a real relationship with my mother. Of course, it's not entirely my fault. I was wondering today if maybe she has ADD. She never listens to anyone. It's always about her. And I felt badly about something because...why can't I at this time then just let things be all about her? I don't really need anything from her. I've learned, because I had to, to fulfill my own needs, emotional or otherwise. She can't do that. She doesn't listen. She doesn't want to listen. She doesn't want to either know or appreciate me.

Anyhow. I think I'm feeling a small taste of what Anna is going through. Someone who commented on her latest entry had it right - mourning for what we had, what we didn't have, what we never will have...

I need to stop this feeling guilty though that I am somehow not providing her with what she needs. I need to stop feeling sad when I am with her. It is up to her to make her own life, to stop rushing around willy nilly, to learn to look and to listen to others.

We had an embarrassing situation at the paint store, where she was forcefully trying to get the guy to look up colours for her. But she couldn't do this in a polite and kind and patient way. She needed to be loud and forceful.

Perhaps this is why I don't like loud people. I don't like people who need to be heard over others.

SO anyhow...she did bring me some lovely furniture. MOst notably, I have my antique dresser from childhood and my antique desk. My bedroom looks much better and I now have much more storage space. My desk I was going to use as a sewing table, but I'm not sure that it is going to work. I am currently using that in the foyer.

So, anyhow. I think that next time I see her I'm going to practise giving up - completely - wanting to have any of my emotional needs met. I'm going to make it all about her, and then walk away without guilt for what happens afterward or in between. She will never want to know me. Heck, she didn't even spend more than 3 hours here. She obviously cares for me somewhat, else she wouldn't have brought the furniture, but I'm going to have to accept that we are never going to have a real, deep relationship. As sad as that makes me feel, that is how it is and it cannot be changed. She will never be a different person.

Fortunately, I can kind of separate myself from this. I am not the person I want to be - and we now have insight into why - but I am trying to be a better person and I am trying to make my life rich with the present.

Oh! If I may tell you something else, I will say that my mother's talk of my brother and his girlfriend and their life in Sweden makes me so jealous!! My brother happened on this job so accidentally, in that he needed a job in Vancouver, got this job (managing web content), and then it turns out that the company is headquartered in Sweden. He's apparently making lots of money and they love it there; my mother and step-father are going to be visiting Stockholm in September. At least she has a good relationship with my brother. That makes me feel somewhat better.

I am so jealous of my brother though! It's always like that. I will likely never have a chance to live in Europe, and here my lazy (really!), drifting brother just stumbles on an opportunity. Oh well...DO not compare yourself with others, for it will make you vain and bitter. :) But he and his girlfriend just flew over to Tokyo for the cherry blossom festival.

Anyhow. THat's my day. I'm not going to think about it further, however, as good God I have certainly learned the destructive power of rumination..

Lots of love, lovelies.

3:11 p.m. - 2010-04-10

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