enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Don't say "no"

Well, I'll be going to the friend's house tomorrow. That suits me fine, as now I have time to bake something nice for her and get a little something for her son.

I know I'm an awful curmudgeon. I think I'm trying to figure out how to define myself and my life. Do I really want anyone else in it?

I have failed to mention something. At the moment, there are four men interested in me. They always come out of the wood work when you are not looking, don't they? So far, surprisingly, none of them have demonstrated anything that would make them repellant to me. Shocking! One is out because he doesn't live here. I am not into long distance. One of them I haven't met yet, but he seems very nice. The other one is a friend of a friend. The other one is sort of a colleague, but not closely linked, and happens to know a friend of mine quite well.

The thing is...do I really want to date anyone? Do I really want to have to deal with someone else's feelings? I almost want to say no. I need to think about this some more. Right now I want to pursue all of the things I've been talking about over and over again in this diary. I'm starting to do that. Last weekend, I actually drew!
Yesterday, at work, in the midst of a conversation with colleagues, I realized that I could walk away from my job. What I mean by that is that I am starting to realize that I need it right now for comfort, for security, but that one day very soon I will have my legs upright again and I will be able to walk away - emotionally - from this life configuration. What I'll be walking to is another story. I don't yet know how that will be configured.

So I just threw all of the zucchini that was starting to get a bit soft into a pan. I sauteed it and made an omelette. I took a deep breath. And for today I decided not to make any decision. I then exhaled loudly, a couple of times. :) I give permission to myself to not say "Yes" and to not say "No." I give myself permission to not say anything for a while.

I'm going to buy my sewing machine. Maybe this afternoon.

2:40 p.m. - 2010-03-27

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