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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Happy Saturday.

You know, sometimes I see names in the box to the right and I think, "Yes!" and then "No!"

For example, there's someone whose diary is called "moodswing." Whilst I fully understand, I wouldn't want to open that page every day.

This reminds me of one of the best articles I have read about depression recently. Maybe I'm stupid, but it took reading an article about "pulling files" to make the whole rumination cycle make sense to me. Put simply, pulling a thought file also pulls an emotional memory, which then sets in motion a process of recreating the brain chemicals necessary to recreate the (negative) feeling associated with the file. In other words, nip those thoughts in the bud or change the message or feeling associated with those "files" and you've figured out how to short-circuit depression. Hence, cognitive therapy. Put in these simple terms, it seems very doable.

I've always felt intuitively that anxiety, which is really my problem, is something that you could puzzle your way out of. It's a slow process, but I feel I'm experiencing considerable success.

All that said, I probably spent too much time this morning on some negative thoughts, and so my mood was a bit dampened when I was running. C. and I went for an hour and fifteen minute run, which I must say ended up being lovely. It's quite cold again (-5 C, which is warmer than yesterday), but the grass is dry and soft and we were able to run in the arboretum near a big farm. I'm very proud of C., as he suggested that we do some playful things. I'm always suggesting play, but he never goes there (well, before recent days). I like to run around with my arms in the air or leap and zigzag. There is also a big hill that I like to run up in the park, just to have a view over the canal and various places. Today C. suggested that we run up the hill on our way to the locks AND on our way back from the locks. It was great. And I made like a bird as we ran around the lake.

Sounds silly, I know. But it was fun!!

NOt to be a sourpuss, but I agreed to go to a friend's house this afternoon and now I don't want to go. I wish I were a more social person. I really like this woman and we keep on talking about getting together again soon and never do. She invited me over for this afternoon and I know I should go, but...I want to stay at home. Oh well. I can't be a hermit all of the time. I also told another girlfriend that we could do something sometime, but I keep on putting that off to two weeks from now. I ran into Ava with her husband on Thursday. They invited me to dinner, but I declined. I really don't know why I'm so unfriendly. I like all of these people. I just don't enjoy socializing, except in very small doses.

I have a headache at the moment and have had a few poor sleeps this week. Perhaps that explains it.

Ah well. That's the deal. I am who I am. Time for a hot shower and some breakfast!


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11:51 a.m. - 2010-03-27

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