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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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The truth

The truth is very problematic, largely because it is pretty subjective.

I just sent a difficult email to a friend, because I thought said friend needed to know my true opinion on something. My true opinion was lately causing me to be a bit erratic on other fronts, because I couldn't explain what was underpinning my reactions.

We go along with things, go along white lying for a long time, thinking that it's kindest to be kind.

I'm not good at hurting people's feelings. I can be direct, yes, but I hate to hurt people. I never want to be cruel.

I sat on this email for a day, just to be sure that there wasn't any element of it that related to my own feelings about my own life, a striking out as it were.

I woke up this morning and I knew that I needed to write it. That person may no longer be my friend, as a result, because I know how much this person has depended on me "buying into" what I think is a falsehood. Am I correct for having told the person? I don't know. I feel really badly. But Marco always tells me (just as an example), that my problem is that I always worry about other people's feelings, because I don't value myself and my own opinion enough).

I tend to be of the belief that the "truth," or as near to it as you can get is always the best thing. I am not a liar by nature. I have always offered information, just so as to not be deceitful, even when people didn't want it. Maybe I'm wrong. I don't know. But on some level I can't change my true personality.

Anyhow, so all that said, I feel badly. I feel as though I have hurt/wounded someone. I hate that feeling.

****


Well, I'm going to try to put it out of my mind. It's in the other person's hands now. I will try to have a nice day. I'm supposed to go to my friend's house this afternoon.

I had a bad headache last night, but C. and I had a good meal at the pub and then I went to bed and slept long. I feel pretty good (physically).

Shall sit down and write my morning pages now. I usually do those very first thing, but I still think they could be useful here.

PS I have a date this week with the friend of a friend, whom I've met once. He's totally not my usual type, but he's pretty neat. He makes racing bicycles in his spare time. The other major "candidate" - I didn't mention this before - is a friend of A.'s who is a fiplomat currently working in Ha!ti. He's been writing me really cool notes. I am interested in meeting him. Funny, no? Of course, it will likely all come to naught. I'm happy single at the moment though. I just want to make new friends and enjoy life (mostly on my own :)).

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10:06 a.m. - 2010-03-28

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