enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Regrouping, relaxing.

Hey friends,

Last night, I was so absolutely gutted with fatigue that I did an unusual thing for me: I went to bed early.

I don't usually go to bed early, as I love the night. Also, and more importantly, I try to exploit all of the time that I have available to me post-work. I need that much time to wind down.

I'm really growing to understand myself better. I have been wondering for quite some time - and beating myself up over - why work wears me out so much and I need to much time alone in the evenings. I am talking all day and quite often urgent matters come up and I have to respond to them. I'm also often interrupted by people for stupid reasons, e.g. by that senior economist whose purpose in life seems to be to get his extroverted person hit of energy by sucking mine.

So watching this last couple of weeks in which I've forced myself to go out with strangers and go to various events that don't particularly interest me, I've started to see just how far I cannot push myself. I could feel the tension building until I finally sort of exploded, kerplat, last night. (Forch, I was only abrupt with a guy who was annoying me, but still it is not in my character to do that. I'm typically warm and friendly with strangers.) The dating has also been extremely disappointing, with the men turning out to be not at all what they seemed to be, and definitely not the kinds of solid, reliable guys I would want to date (or rather need to date).

So there's just so much that I can take. That's a fact.

The only really interesting and not discussed portion of all of this is that I have tried not to think about what the job is contributing to this, lately. Any good My3rs-Brigg analysis will tell you that something that you are working at that is exploiting your unnatural qualities (or rather, the things that don't come naturally :)), will suck the energy out of you. As soon as you switch to something that fits with your profile, everything becomes easy and much less energy required.

The unfortunate thing is that the only thing I've found that is easy is walking around Florence in pretty clothes. :)

Ha!

Actually, I suspect that I would have been much happier as a craftsperson - making books, designing knitwear and publishing books, anything that involves fine handiwork and lots of time spent alone. A historian working in an archive would also do, provided I didn't have to teach all of the time. I liked teaching and was good at it when I did it, but the same phenomenon arrived then that did now. Especially when I had manipulative, unmotivated students the tension would gradually build until I had to hide somewhere. When I had in my class that cheating girl who managed to convince the dean's office to let her rewrite her final exam three times and who tried to twist the system in every way possible, by even faking a learning disability...I was seriously at the end of my rope.

So I'm not sure what to do about this. I don't think there's anything TO do about it.

I've also been noticing that I've felt more anger lately than usual. I have been wondering if it's anger that I've turned inward for many years that is trying to be released. In all of this, I feel with certainty as though things are changing in me, plates are shifting, and I'm trying to find a new equilibrium.

A friend of mine went to a really good counsellor a while back and I went online to find her coordinates. Apparently the woman does deal with anxiety issues, so I thought I might give her a call. Unfortunately, my damn insurance doesn't cover very much of this. No designer bras for me this year! :)

Now if only my darned promotion money would come through. The good news on that front is that my boss told me the night before last that he had prepared the paperwork and that all that needed to be done was for the secretary to produce an org chart and the boss to sign. It could take a while for the boss to sign, given how busy we are, and also HR takes forever to process these things. The thing also has to be posted online for a week, so that people can submit a complaint if they have one (there's always that sort of a public process, kind of like "If anyone here has any objections to this union, speak now or forever hold your peace").

So. Thank goodness for sleep. More tender loving care for me for a few days. Hard work today. And patience. Lots of patience.

XOXOO

7:40 a.m. - 2010-02-11

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