enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you convince yourself to get up and do something that you know you ought to do but that you can't find the courage to confront?

Well, I had something to eat, which is always a good idea when one is feeling a bit glum/tired. I mean, that's a no-brainer, right?

I also sat down and thought about Andrea a little bit. When I first met him I apologized for what I was wearing - a jean pencil skirt and a black sweater, I think. He had taken me to Rivoire for a drink ("The best place in the piazza for the pretty lady.") He said, "Don't worry - you look elegant!"

And then later, when we were watching the sunset up at the piazza he said, "You are much more beautiful than you think you are. You think bad things about yourself."

Really stupid. I get into these loops and I do this "close reading" thing: I see all of the wrinkles and dark angles and pieces of hair sticking out...flaws. I forget to see the whole person. I know I know I know that confidence is what is attractive, not anything else. The most beautiful person can be incredibly ugly without confidence and without anything interesting coming out of her mouth. I know this, and sometimes I feel it, but then at other times I just feel so incredibly ugly and utterly as though I want to crawl out of my own skin. It's terrible. I can't get out of it.

I suppose the good news is that I haven't bought any clothes in months. In fact, all I've bought this year other than a couple of turtlenecks for work is my red coat. I don't know if I've run out of steam on even bothering to make myself look better. I wanted to think that it was a growth in confidence that had done it ("I look good enough as I dress and behave right now"), but on a day like today that theory looks somewhat doubtful.

I know that no one is perfect, so why do I hold myself to such an unattainable standard all of the time? I don't get it. I can't stand people who blather on and on about their appearance or about other people's appearances. I completely reject that. So why do I care so much about my own looks? What I really value in a person is their intelligence and their kindness. So why demand the other? That's the million dollar question.

Well, what will it be? Pizza or do I cook something nutritious? Hmmm. :)

Maybe I should get up and dance around a bit. Yes, that's a plan. PS And speaking of Andrea, I realized that i actually do have his number in my cell phone. I dug it out and will try to call him tomorrow. Stupid! Since he called me twice I don't suppose it would be a big deal to try to call him. I don't know.

7:20 p.m. - 2010-01-23

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

other diaries:

stepfordtart
ohell
awittykitty
annanotbob
manfromvenus
smartypants
fifidellabon
hungryghost
hissandtell