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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Not a good day. Not a big deal.

Not having the greatest day, to be honest. A little on edge.

I went to yoga and that didn't help much. And then afterwards I had brunch with A. and commented casually that I need to get a hair cut. She then said, "It's too short. I like it longer."

I hate it when people say things like that, because I'm already not feeling that great about my looks as a rule, and then that throws me into a loop of feeling inadequate. Terrible, really. Who cares what she thinks.

Then C. called and we went for a run. C. is really happy these days as he has started sleeping with that older woman he was dating before. Now he's decided that he's actually seriously interested in dating her, and so he's all gung ho. Tonight he and I had made plans to see a movie at the film institute - a special showing - but he went over to her place this morning and sort of invited her along. So he came back to me this afternoon to ask me if that was OK, at which time it was too late. Pretty much the last thing that I want to do is go along to a movie as the third wheel with people who are in the early phase of screwing each other and calling it a relationship, so I felt no choice but to gracefully bow out. This left me feeling generally kind of "off." Also, she's nice enough, and she's definitely attractive, but I don't find her to be very intelligent and so I hate having to chat her up and pretend that I like her. I'm not good at pretending.


The thing is that the Italian sent me a note earlier today - I might as well call him by his name ("Michael") - to invite me out tonight. Apparently he will be free pretty much now. So, in theory, I could go on a date myself. But I feel so shaky and not particularly attractive or confident as a result of all of this, and as a result I'll likely end up sitting here alone all evening and feeling generally like a loser for not getting up and doing something and forgetting the fuck about my hair...

Anyhow. So that's your little episode of self-flagellation for the evening. I think I"m going to take myself out for dinner and then will come home and cry.

XOXOXO Oh! But seeing that Anna is so happy in Florence gave my heart a real lift. I will be there again myself soon enough. Thank goodness for that. XOOX

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6:54 p.m. - 2010-01-23

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