enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Anxiety disappeared

Thank goodness, but anxiety has disappeared - as quickly as it came.

It's a very strange thing, as I noted this morning. As I was walking home today I was thinking that maybe it was triggered by the stress levels in my office. Some of the senior people are kind of chop-chop business types at the best of times, and I think I'm someone who is very sensitive to small cues such as a lack of any smiles or appreciation.

As I think of it, I think that makes sense. I do need praise sometimes. But don't we all.

Anyhow. This is all to say that today was OK, in spite of feeling physically ill. I did some solid thinking, solved a couple of small problems, and wrote a little piece on an issue that is quite important/pressing.

So I feel reasonably like myself again.

That's about it. I have no more to say. (What a lie, as always!) As I mentioned this morning I set one date for next Tuesday. I am not overly excited about it, but I figure why not. He sounds like a nice-enough guy. An engineer. But respectful. Kind of boring, I think, but I could do worse. I'm not for sale, anyhow. :)

Yeah, I feel good about all of that stuff. Casual, eh?

I still haven't quite decided on the spring trip. I found a cheap fare to Florence for April 10, but a part of me is thinking of a week in England, a couple of days in Paris and then a week in Florence. (Hmm...this is starting to make sense - I could do Easter in England, scoot to Paris on the Eurost@r for two days, and then hop over to Firenze...) I need to think this through though - I hate rushing around on a trip.

It seems horrible to think about all of this when those poor people in Haiti are suffering so much. I just don't understand why I've been so fortunate in life. Really, it is absolute madness to have been born at such a good time, in such a good place. I can never say enough thanks to fate.

In truth, I feel like a shit for not being one of those people out making a difference in places like Haiti. Don't you sometimes just want to push your life aside and go and volunteer somewhere for a couple of years? I do. I was pushing open the revolving door at work today and as I walked through I thought of exactly that - two years with VS0 or maybe a series of Habit@t builds in various locations. I'm wondering if I should make a pact with myself that if by 43 I have not made a different commitment - e.g. to a relationship - I will just do it. I mean, why not? I have nothing forcing me to stay here, work, decorate a house. Wow - what a cool, refreshing breeze whips into my face in my mind's eye as I say that. Funny how we remember exactly where we were when we had these thoughts. I mean, I give money. But that's not the same.

Oh! The skateway opened today! It isn't really winter until we've had enough consecutive days of -10 C weather and the ice is thick enough! They opened about 4 km of it today. So excited! Let's hope I don't break my wrist on it this year. That would be not. good.

XOXOX

7:42 p.m. - 2010-01-14

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