enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Reminder not to apologize

I suppose that pink walls would be too much. :)

I wish I could take photos to adequately compliment the place, because it really is lovely. And so big! I love having the space. I am a space hog. Little me in a big space.

Interestingly, the kitchen is quite small but somehow works very efficiently. I think it's because I have cupboards again, which I didn't have in the old place and which is terribly impractical.

Also, one of my new favourite things about the place is that it has a large fridge! My fridge in the other place was too small. I hated it. This is a man-sized fridge! I love a man-sized fridge!

I have so many favourite things I can't tell you. And I can't wait until I can open up the balcony and start planting. The super recently painted the balcony and so I'm not supposed to go on it. It is going to be lovely in summer though. Oui. C'est bon.

This morning I am going to try Anna's affirmations. As soon as I read them I agreed: that is what I need to do. I need to do all of that to convince myself in my mind that Ottawa can work for me. It's not as easy as Italy, but I simply must do it. I am tired of being lonely here. Obviously, I am going to have to look outside of my circle of economists to find kindred spirits. People aren't as outgoing here as they are in Italy so I am not going to meet thee people in cafes (what cafes?) or on the street. I need to be extra-creative.

And if at a loss...I will go back to Italy soon. Very soon.

I was lying in bed just now, actually, and I was thinking, "Why not travel?"

Why do I always have to save money and aim for the same goals as everyone else. Maybe I don't want to buy a house. Maybe I just want to buy an apartment in Florence and go there a few times a year. Maybe I want to go to England and Ireland as well this year. Why ever not?

I was chatting with my mother last night, who wants to bring up some furniture from my childhood for me. My mother has already unloaded enough stuff on me, so I told her that I wanted to get used to the apartment before I ram it full of furniture. The dresser and desk that she wants to give me I love, however, as they are antiques that I helped to pick out. The desk in particular is a beautiful drop-front one, and the dresser is one that my mom and I refinished and then added handmade wrought-iron handles to. I remember going to the workshop of the guy who made the handles. That dresser was at least 100 years old then, and we bought it when I was maybe 7 or 8...so you can guess how old it is now!

I will wait though. I don't want my mother taking over my place, as she is wont to do. I think she has simply bought more stuff and wants to get rid of stuff to me. I'm already buried under the boxes she brought up last year.

I want this apartment to be simple and clean.

But that's not the reason I told that story. My mom said last night that the only weekend she is free before they leave for the winter down south is that of November 22. I remembered immediately that that was my dad's birthday. He would have been 65 this year. Oy! Time to start collecting Canada Pensions!

Just joking.

But lying in bed just a few minutes ago I was thinking about my life and my travel plans and my desire for freedom, and I wonder how much of that was created by my father's illness and death. When you hang with the dying, it seems to me that a little gift that you receive is a little piece of life. Or maybe a big piece. I don't want to apologize for wanting to live and live big. But then again, it's equally plausible to say that this is all simply a function of personality. Even as a very little kid I wanted to define my own course. I didn't follow the other kids. My grandmother used to get angry with me because I always wanted to lead. "You can't always be the leader!" (She was a "controller" and I wasn't having any of it. :))

My stupid radio reception is going out repeatedly this morning. Bad weather, I suppose. It's rather grey outside at the momen. The trees and rooftops are quite pretty from my window, underneath the grey sky. Shall be divine when there is snow softly falling!

XO!

Infinite riches flow freely into my life! I have a brill social life and a full social calendar!

Sorry for the ramble...meandering through my thoughts again this morning. XXOXOXOXOXOX

6:30 a.m. - 2009-11-05

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