enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Looongo day.

What a shitty day.

I'm exhausted, but I'm back to my joyful and excited self again. I think I simply refuse to ruminate ever again. What's the point?

(And if I drug myself up sufficiently with hits of Italy every now and again, things seem to go very smoothly.)

Actually, do you know what?

It wasn't Italy this time that did it. It was me. I knew even before I went that I was going to live in joy there.

And I did.

I was the person I've always wanted to be.

And at work, too, these days, I'm the person I've always wanted to be. I'm in it and I'm focused.

The social life still isn't (here) what it ought to be, but I'm going to affirm like crazy.

The only sad part of life at the moment is that C. is depressed. I've actually never seem him like this before. I think it's probably a good thing, only in the sense that I think he's finally facing some things I've been wondering about for a long time.

These are things such as whether he feels guilty about leaving his aging parents in Germany. I also wonder why he has to be so negative and so snappy sometimes.

More importantly, and this has plunged him into despair this time, why does he always go after wholeheartedly inappropriate women? The latest is a girl on his Ultimate team, a girl whom all of the other girls apparently don't like because she is such a flirt. Fortunately, I haven't met this one.

So I keep on reminding C. that some very lovely women have recently liked him a lot, only he was not interested in them because he did not find them to be sufficiently attractive. He doesn't seem to appreciate that it's not that NO ONE is interested. He just picks ones who are inappropriate.

Anyhow. Wish me luck in getting him to go to the psychologist. I was very, very tired tonight after working late, but I went over to his place to hang with him for a couple of hours. I owe it to him for sticking by me through my many periods of gloom. And I only want the best for him. I hope so much to see him happy and fulfilled. I want him to find a passion for himself and some peace.

I hope we can all find peace. I know I'm grateful for the little patch that I have managed to find.

I don't know why in the hell I'm no longer worried about meeting someone myself. For some reason I just think I will. Andrea made me feel so wonderful and beautiful and really I think I already felt that way even before I met him. I don't know when or where I'll meet the next one - maybe when I move to Europe, maybe when I buy milk - and I'm cool with that. Life has been good to me, lately. And it's about fucking time! Actually, I don't mean that. I've had it pretty good. I've had a lot of good fortune. I am grateful. Yes - infinite riches do flow into my life. They do! Please wish my C-friend better. XO

8:42 p.m. - 2009-11-05

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