enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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My life is for me.

Having important thoughts!

First, I love my new place. I never want to leave!

OK, maybe not never. Maybe when I buy a house one day, or an apartment in Italy and can afford to move there. We'll see.

I was thinking something very important following Anna's entry last night about what to tell people.

I remember that when I first started dating online several years ago (it's now been more than a year since I stopped that awfulness, thank God), I was so worried about not misleading anyone that I wanted to get it all out there - the years in school, the lack of money, the fact that I've restarted my career as an economist again and therefore am behind everyone financially, my age.

Someone at that time said to me, "Why would you tell anyone any of that stuff? Let them get to know you and then you can tell them."

I thought that was crazy, false advertising. A friend of mine had recently gotten deep into a relationship with a girl who subsequently revealed that she was in massive credit card debt and she had to sell her condo to pay it off. That seemed so weird and dishonest to me.

This is totally unrelated to career. Money is always different.

But my point in writing this is that I've realized lately that a lot of things are no one's business but my own. When I was younger I thought you had to be honest. Maybe I was worried about people finding things out later on.

Now I really say FUCK IT. I don't need to impress anyone. I don't need to explain why I'm living in an apartment and not my own place at this age. I have no regrets about how much I have enjoyed my life. I have been true to myself, followed my heart, and man have I had a party at times.

With the career, too, in French class recently I've taken to telling the absolute truth. We're always talking about what our career aspirations are. Instead of saying that I want to be Deputy Sinist3r I say that I'm looking for a rich Italian husband :), am not particularly wedded to my job, work for the money, and really want to be an artist. Or maybe a craftsperson who does something crazy like paper-making!

It looks a little bit weird to my colleagues, because I'm very good at my job. But I'm realizing that I'm superstarring at my job now because I don't give a fuck about it as my identity. Job does not equal me. Job is just a thing that I do responsibly, because I take seriously my responsibilities in life and the money that the taxpayer is paying me to take care of them. I care. That's been the thing with me my whole life: I care. So other people, deal with it. Steam train EB is coming on through.

God it feels good to be here. People always asked me, "Do you love yourself?"

I stared back at them blankly because I couldn't understand how that could possibly ever be true.

But I get it now. Now I look at my crooked nose and my crazy hair and my goofy smile in the mirror and I love all of it. I see that people don't "get" me at work all of the time and I don't have much in common socially with the people around me...and I don't care. I smile. I like me. I like my life. I'm heading where I want to go.

People don't believe it when I say I don't care about my career. But it's true. If I met a man who was a diplomat and wanted me to follow him to strange places and work at odd jobs I would relish the opportunity. It's not that I'm looking for that, but I like the idea of change, of trying new things. I want to learn languages, do art, dig into all of the corners and facets of myself that exist. The only thing that I relish about my career is my pension. That's an important thing. But I could save for a pension whilst doing other things. I have a feeling that big things are waiting for me, people. I don't know why. I've always had that weird kind of confidence inside of myself - that once I set my mind to something I could do it. I could do anything.

Now, to the shower.

I love, love, love this fresco by Pontormo. It's in the I-forget-the-name entrance area/courtyard to SS Annunziata basilica.

Isn't she beautiful??

And Adam and Eve in the garden, in the Branc@cci Chapel. More on this later. No flash permitted.

And in the botanic garden, a lone apple tree. One of my favourites.

7:11 a.m. - 2009-11-03

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