enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Everything seems so easy in THEORY.

Yes, that's right. Everything is easy in theory. I'm anxious - or I was - it seems, as I am deciding the rest of my life at the moment. I think I could be giving myself the "empty shell/crossroads" speech at the moment. You know, accepting that I'm going to live a life of quiet desperation and all. :) Bear with me.

It seems easy to go to the Foreign Affairs interview Wednesday. But it's not. I don't think I can go. I can't take a day off on such short notice, when the heads are not around. I can't afford to jeopardize my job.

So I contacted the FA people today - unfortunately they have a terrible HR group doing this - and tried to get my interview switched. They weren't receptive. We'll see what I get back tomorrow.

To be honest, it's even more complicated than the interview. If I did get the job - and I have a feeling that I might - that would open up a whole new can of worms.

First, I'd have to take a pay cut of $30k for at least the first year. And then I'd probably be at a pay cut of $15k per year for a couple of years after that.

There's also no guarantee of good posting early on, and as my friend A. told me via email today, cheerily, "You should ask for a posting in an isolated location so that you can build your career faster, given that you're making the switch a bit late."

Yeah, that sounds like fun. Can you seem me in the Solomons or something, for three years? That would meet my objectives of getting more connected.

Well, it might.

I just don't know. Hence the source of stress. Of course there are other sources of stress as well.

I think I just have to soul search. If I ask myself clearly, I think I know what I want: to find peace and stability. Probably, to "bloom where I grow," as artgnome once shared.

Also, if I stay where I am, I continue to be highly technical, rather than only a general policy wonk (not that both aren't important). I could eventually get posted by my own department to an organization in Europe. That would be a compromise.

Well anyway. I'm almost too tired to talk about it. I suppose I'll make the decision tomorrow morning.

I didn't sleep much last night, but I think I can manage to sleep on account of the fatigue.

Thanks for your comments re. the dating thing. :) It's kind of funny, isn't it? :)

Let me tell you, Mr. C. had in mind only that the options are few here (true), the pool small. He figured that I could potentially be happy with someone without all of the qualities that I would optimally want. He was trying to be kind, whilst being a bit stupid. Also, he told me today that he thinks I should consider Foreign Affairs, if only because getting into bigger cities in other parts of the world would make the pool much bigger.

I'm actually not sure, in any event, that matching models bear this out. In a way, our circles become rather small in big cities. Dependent. Although of course the extreme outlier people (well, the largest chunks of the tails of the distribution) end up in big cities. And we all know that I'm looking for...NO won't go there. ;-)

I'm rambling.

Well whatever. I feel rather peaceful right now, if only because I'm too tired to kick up a ruckus.

XO

Who cares about my life, anyhow? It's boring. :) I feel like such a pointless drone sometimes. I almost want to retire to the woods somewhere.

7:38 p.m. - 2009-08-10

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