enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Worn out.

Oh well, I feel better this morning. Calm.

Tired though.

Perhaps I'm stressed about deciding about the Foreign Affairs interview.

Tricky.

Not sure that I can go through with it, particularly if I'm both not sleeping AND can't really afford to leave work.

Actually, it's kind of weird how I'm finding work and the work-a-day world a bit of a respite from thinking about how lonely I've been feeling. Neither anxiety about work nor anxiety about loneliness are going to get me anywhere though.

Perhaps I feel better because I yelled at some stupid bastard who was idling his sportscar outside my house early this morning. :)

Actually, I was polite. But firm.

You know, Marco has had some interesting insights into my situation in the past. I mean, his situation is the same. He has told me a couple of times that sometimes he feels desperately lonely, but that that's a compromise that you take for living an independent life (with all of the freedoms and adventures that that allows). It's interesting to me that even he feels this, given that he has his daughter.

C. actually suggested yesterday that I 1) dumb myself down; and 2) lower my standards so that I can find a boyfriend.

It's something to ponder, I suppose. I do know that I could be much softer, and if so I'd have a much easier time getting asked out. I guess I could unleash the full forces later on. (Although, interestingly, Marco liked me FOR my strong mind and body.) I don't know if I would feel that I was cheating myself, lying if I did this. I don't know. It sounds wrong. Also, if I found a boyfriend who was not smart enough I'd get bored easily. C's argument was that I could find someone kind and that would be enough. I don't know if that would be enough, but I understand why other women compromise in this way.

Anyhow. Believe it or not, my mind this morning isn't on dating. I woke up thinking about setting a big artistic project for myself. I just have to get back to focusing on my interests. Blip. Blip. Life is difficult, so it's time to be the deepest ocean. More practise. All good. If it weren't difficult and I didn't struggle I imagine that living wouldn't be very interesting.

XO

8:23 a.m. - 2009-08-10

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