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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Sorted it out

Hey dudes,

I locked up this morning because there was a weird spike in traffic to my photo album through my header photo.

I don't know why I checked the stats - I never check stats anywhere - but there was a weird spike. So I locked the photo album and so on.

Not that it really matters. I never say anything about my actual work here. I never say anything at all that would be anything more than embarrassing to me personally (for being such an anxious wanker).

I never say anything about anyone else, really.

I suppose I should cut out photos of myself though.

I have an attitude in life that is a little bit different than that of many. I don't really care much about people knowing this or that about me, or particularly about my feelings, although in real life (at work, say) I wouldn't share these things with people as I assume that they're not interested. If people want to know they can; and here if people want to read, they can do so. OK, well, it's a bit different at work, obviously. I try to be extremely professional at work, and leave the personal stuff for elsewhere. I've never been at all chatty at work, which is good, because I work with dudes and dudes are not that excited by chatter. Usually.

Well, whatever. We're all the same, ultimately. A little bit more of this, a little bit less of that.

So...the anxiety of Sunday was completely about the FA thing.

I obviously wasn't quite ready to close that door.

I'm not sure if it's because I had this weird fantasy about doing that job when I was younger, or whether I'm still hanging on to some strange, romantic idea that I can move to Europe and be with Marco (which I don't even want, anymore), or whether when I get scared or lonely I still think of chopping and changing.

In any event, my mother used to say, "When in doubt, don't." (Turns out that that's a Ben Fr@nklin expression. Who knew.)

It's a good expression.

I was in doubt about canceling the interview, so I didn't. I couldn't go tomorrow for the whole day though, so I persuaded them to reschedule for Friday early. It still will take up too much of my day, but I gave my senior economist the heads-up that I have an "appointment" (not a good idea to say something about the interview, and it's not as though I'm really job shopping, anyhow). I'll also have to go back in the afternoon for a simulation exercise with other candidates, but I work so much overtime anyhow. Whatever.

So I feel good about that.

I won't find out for months and months and months whether I have succeeded. By then for sure my feelings will have changed, I'll have more information in my current position, etc.

I'm actually really liking my job at the moment. There are always negative bits but the work is very interesting and I am very proud to be working on the types of important files that I get to work on. Very privileged.

There you go.

And if I get selected to represent my country as a diplom@t and I want to do it at that time, all the better. And of course, in those circumstances, bluey will have to go poof. But I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Anyway. Things change.

I wore my favourite outfit today. I wish I were in kindergarten, because I suspect that that is the only circumstance that would give me license to wear it every day of the week.

You know how it is.

Alas, I am not in kindergarten. Shucks!

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6:44 p.m. - 2009-08-11

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