enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Truth

Oh...sigh...long day.

I started to feel sad about Marco again, after I got a note to my last entry.

To be honest, that note kind of pissed me off. I know how long the commenter waited - and how much she complained - until she found a boyfriend...I'm sure it wasn't intended that way, but I found the note a bit belittling.

That's what you get for making your sad love life public, I guess.

It made me think about how difficult it is to find someone you really like. For me it was many, many years of not feeling any connection with anyone. And I am quite a few years older than said commenter, which makes it even more difficult. Every year I feel more likely to be overlooked by almost all men. Most here don't give me a second glance. I might never again meet someone with whom I feel comfortable. I kind of feel as though my best years have been wasted alone.

It makes me feel quite discouraged.

But I will try not to give in to these feelings.

They will pass.

They will pass.

I also tried on my "Italian garden party dress." I feel like a fool because although the dress is gorgeous I did not buy a jacket to go with it. It is always so cold here - I had to wear jeans when I popped out to the store this evening - that I fear it will be rainy and cold on the evening of the party and I will have to wear some stupid sweater over my special dress or wear some winter dress instead.

I am grumpy.

Fortunately, a lovely music program has come on tonight. Unfortunately, this program is slated to be canceled because of CBC budget overruns. It's the best show though - a fantastic classical pianist interprets music. Tonight he was playing famous songs that have stolen melodies from classical pieces. He also played the classical pieces on the piano afterwards. Wonderful. He played Sting's "Russians," which I quite liked at the time that it came out.

Music can do so much to us. I always feel cheered by Chopin and Schubert on the piano, because that's what I grew up with. I'm listening to Mussorsky's Pictures at an Exhibition at this exact moment! I played that when I was young and played in an orchestra. Lovely.

I also love 1980s music, because that's the music to which I came of age.

On the other hand, apart from a few singer songwriters (e.g. Leonard Cohen, Joni Mitchell), I have to admit that I don't like 1960s music! Sorry, guys! Not meaning to offend! It gives me a creepy, sad feeling. I always have to turn the radio OFF when Randy Bachm@n's program comes on! I try to force myself to listen to it for as long as I can - kind of like holding my breath under water - but then I simply must turn it off! I don't know why. I get the same feeling when I look at my mother's collection of antique children's clothes and when I am forced to watch cartoons! (I loathe cartoons!) I know! I am so weird. I don't know what it is about that stuff that makes me unhappy. There are some things that seem to bear too much weight of nostalgia and expectation; they depress my mood.

Anyhow. That was a grumpy, scattered entry. I should try to focus not on lack, but on abundance. I understand the mistake. I think more than anything I'm missing that spacious, alive-to-beauty feeling that comes so easily in Florence, with or without Marco. It takes so much work to sustain that lightness of being here.

10:50 p.m. - 2009-06-07

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