enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I seem to have moved from the short-term, emotional part of the brain into long-term, patient thinking. Thank goodness.

Am just up, making coffee.

First, I want to say thank you to those who have stayed with me through the ups and downs. I know that it is unappealing to listen to someone whining about an infatuation. It's also frustrating to see someone being self-pitying, self-loathing, and generally foolish. I do believe that one has to pull oneself up by the bootstraps, or at least relax into acceptance and patience with the processes of life (not disparaging mental illness/depression here - it's just that I don't think that that's what's going on with me right now. I feel emotional but not either consistently low or fearful).

The mornings are getting better. I usually awake rolling the Marco thing over in my head again, but each morning it gets easier and better. Someone pointed out to me that he has behaved quite immaturely in all of this and in fact I need to accept that. It makes it easier. It's rather sad how even a rational person can idealize someone on the basis of a few feelings. It's amusing and scary, really, to see how quickly we become a slave to things that aren't good for us. (And let's face it: it takes two to tango. I've been quite immature in this, too. But that's the point: I haven't had much relationship experience in recent years.)

I mean, I know...that many of you are no doubt sitting there thinking, "Will she just get over this stupid Marco thing??"

And you would be completely correct. Don't we all think that when we observe other people in the throes of foolish attraction, or clinging to something that just isn't? Seems even to have spawned a whole industry ("He's just not that into you!").

:)

Just kidding. I'm trying to put it in the past. That's always difficult when there is nothing new to intervene. And also the despairing feeling that there will never be anything new to intervene..

But I don't have that despairing feeling this morning.

In fact, I was standing at my sink this morning, doing the dishes, and remembering again that most of the time women seem to do better without men anyhow. Having children is essential to women in general (and I shouldn't undervalue the degree to which this biological drive is tainting my motives at the moment), and hence they need a man...for a while.

But the truth is, and I've seen plenty of evidence of this, that after the children, some (and I would even say many) women are happier without a man. The most engaged women I know are single and over fifty. I've heard more than a few of them say, "Meh! I don't need a relationship anymore. I don't miss it. And I DON'T want to look after some old man."

I mean, they don't mean it cruelly. I can see in their eyes that they appreciate the independence. Of course, I also won't underestimate the degree to which this is reflective of the generation of men from which they had to choose.

My step-father is a nice man, for example, but being with him involves a lot of caretaking. My mother seems to love this kind of caretaking. She seems happy doing it. I don't honestly think I would be the same.

And of course, any relationship involves a great deal of compromise. Most people, even if they love their spouse, would find it difficult to tear away and take three months in Italy to study art, for example. In staying single, I retain that option. My money and my time are my own. I DO appreciate how important those things can be.

I really don't mean to disparage marriages here. If I'm truthful, I would declare that wholeheartedly I would still love to try one. I would like to find someone intellectually curious and creative and happy to see me be the same. I'd want a fair bit of freedom. It seems that younger men might accomodate this. Difficult to say. We will see.

So we don't know how the next few years will play out, but if I had to guess I would say that I will end up in some kind of a relationship.

I feel OK about this. Someone told me that I have been asking the "right" questions, and I appreciate that. Perhaps Marco came along to show me how quickly I would consider doing something really, really stupid (and it would, indeed, have been stupid to have thrown things over to try to pursue a long-term relationship with him). So hopefully the next time I have feelings for someone they will be tempered by the knowledge that the "whole deal" must be understood.

I think that part of the problem is that I'm still in a stage in life in which I think it is possible to have everything: success in a career that I enjoy, creative and intellectual freedom, physical health to do and pursue activities that make me feel alive, possibly a relationship and even a child (still not sure about this one, though). I used to fool myself that I had accepted that you can't have everything. But I also thought a month ago that I had my feelings for Marco sorted out!

I think that when you still feel young and flexible and free enough to do almost anything, you still await the hard truth that some doors close. Some doors have already closed for me, only I haven't yet accepted this.

But then maybe that's "backward" thinking.

What I realized last night - when I STILL had the terrible headache, which was clearly not from a hangover (still have it this morning, as well) - is that I need to do exactly what a couple of you have advised: slow right down.

I need to turn off the thinking about what I will do. I need to slow right down and breathe and enjoy the day, enjoy a book, whatever. I'll probably go for a run.

Each time I start pushing myself to think about this in the next little while I think I need to turn off the pressure and trust that the answers will come.

I'll will, however, have to make some decisions about jobs. I mean, I know, above everything else, that what I need to do right now is start saving a lot of money.

I hadn't mentioned this, but when the senior manager who is leaving emailed me the other day I think there was an undertone of suggestion that I could come with him to the new department. It's actually my old department. If I were to go back there I am 100% sure that I could get a job that would pay at least 10k more than my current job. Technically, I am quite a bit underpaid in my current job for my skills, but am there because it's a better department and I'm guaranteed the additional promotions if I keep on performing and wait it out. But you know that. Still, I need to sort out at least to some degree what my one or two year goals are, so that I can decisions about sources and uses of funds. Believe it or not, even though I am the worst possible financial planner (could definitely "use" a husband for this :)), and also highly emotional about people and interests...when it comes to schooling and jobs I am a long-term thinker. I always want the best even if it means being patient. I need to let go of this and allow my intuition to guide me to the best option for my short to medium-term future.

From there, I'm going to stop. I just want to enjoy the day. I want to eat good food, hopefully figure out how to get this headache to pass (allergies again?), and wish you all peaceful and happy days as well!

10:46 a.m. - 2009-06-07

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

other diaries:

stepfordtart
ohell
awittykitty
annanotbob
manfromvenus
smartypants
fifidellabon
hungryghost
hissandtell