enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Still feverish and rather horrible, but need to reflect on something.

I may only say this because I am in the midst of a white-out of fever, and am sitting at my desk...but it's a good thing that my diary is not my work. (It's all such bullshit and so inconsistent!)

Love is blind, as they say.

When I look back at the entries of the past few weeks they are all about denial. Maybe this whole diary is about denial!

I wonder how much of this is because I have an audience.

How do you learn to be more honest with yourself?

I guess I was "in love" with Marco, as Anna suggested. I haven't stopped thinking about him since I left him three days ago. There's nothing I can do about it.

Sigh. I am so tired of myself.

Do you know, in the shower yesterday morning (before I got sick), I started sobbing uncontrollably. Loudly, too. That is not like me.

I haven't been sad much lately. At all, really. I haven't felt like crying. I've felt mostly excited and hopeful.

In the shower I wasn't crying about Marco. Interestingly, what I thought was simple: "I don't want to keep on living this false life, this false version of myself."

Do you know the feeling of having suppressed something big for a long time, only for it to really, truly force itself to the surface?

And the most embarrassing thing is that what I want to do is not what I've said all along: study history. History and revising my old thesis would be my second choice. I'd enjoy it but it's not what I really want to do. What I really want to do is to study art.

I know! How stupid. I don't have any skill, am not employable in the field, cannot afford it, and I don't know yet if I have any genuine talent!

Stupid!

Crazy!

But it's the one thing, if I could pick anything, that I would most like to do.

Do you know that I actually TOLD Marco that he might be a metaphor for me? That he might be for me all about me wanting to shed the horrible skin that I feel suffocates me. That I might want to BE him? Very romantic, no?

ARGH.

I have to leave for that dreadful conference in four hours. I have to babysit a junior employee who never gets the cues that I just. don't. want. to talk. to him. He always lingers too long at my door; he interrupts me when I am working, without knocking. UGH. I'm really tired of boys.

Someone very wise told me that it would be, in the minimum, practical to write a list of all of Marco's suite of characteristics. Right now, it seems, I am only focusing on the good. And since I don't really know him that well, in terms of the day-to-day, a whole lot of important information is missing. If I tried I could intuit his shortcomings; many of these have been apparent in his dealings with me.

Why does the sun always shine on someone once you start to believe that you can't have them in your life?

ACK. I'm so tired. I just spent a few minutes researching new apartments on the Internet. The problem is that I live in a very small area and it is the only area in which I want to live in this city. Finding an available and good apartment in the area will not be easy. Seems the best idea to start replacing the furniture, decorating it.

But then, when I think of doing up the furniture and decor I think, "Why bother?" I don't want to be here, anyhow. Perhaps I should instead save money for my getaway from this town. Will it ever come?

Sorry for the meandering. You'd be correct to doubt my sanity at this point. I've been oodling and doodling for at least a week now.

DO you know, you'd think from my entries of the past two weeks that I had had a bad time in Florence. This is actually not true. In spite of everything, I loved this trip. I feel alive when I am there. Maybe it's because, in spite of my bellyaching, I'm completely OK with suffering. Suffering is something I need if I'm ever going to get somewhere. What I really don't like is standing still, which is what I do when I am here. I am suffocated by convention! No wonder I am obsessively interested in EM Forster. :)

And besides, what's not to like about meeting new friends. I've already arranged with my friend Alan in NYC to stay in his apartment near central park at the end of July. I'm committed now. I will see Deb again.

And before the second week became so stressful for me, I had a lovely birthday with Joan in the beautiful Four Seasons bar and 11-acre walled garden.

I made several friends, really, who seem to care for me. Each one made sure to go out with me for a drink or dinner for a send-off.

There must be progress being made in my life, only I can't see it yet. I complain and groan but I remain incredibly interested in life. I'm ready each day to go out in it and experience both the miserable and the sublime.

1:04 p.m. - 2009-05-27

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