enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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And at the top of the hill she still couldn't see.

Oh...I am sick.

I haven't been this sick in a while.

I went to bed with a wicked fever at 8 p.m. last night, having only been able to (barely) sip a cup of chicken broth.

I slept soundly for about 4 hours, and then tossed and turned for another 6 and a half. My throat hurt so much at one point that I thought it must be strep. My throat feels better but now I just have a terrible, throbbing headache. I believe in letting a fever burn itself out, but I had to take two tablets just now so that I can go to work. If this were any other day I would definitely stay home in bed; unfortunately with the conference flight late in the day and so on I didn't see how I could stay home. I left everything at work. :(

At least I have tonight at the hotel to sweat. I really wonder what I have. Must be some kind of a flu. Very strange. I don't have much in the way of other cold symptoms. My head is killing me right now though.

OK. I'll stop complaining.

As I was lying awake I must admit that I was beating myself up for not being able to work things out with Marco.

It's all silly - one can't "make" things work when they are not meant to work, when the circumstances are so difficult. I mean, the man said, and I quote, "I have been pushing you away." How stupid can I be?

But I keep on feeling as though I am bound to fail in every relationship that I will ever have. I don't want to be alone. That's the truth. I go on about wanting to be alone, and to some degree I could enjoy that, but then feelings get involved and you want to be with someone...in spite of formidable odds. I will miss him. He's the most wonderful "date" a girl could ever have. Some people just have that spark of joy, you know?

Oh well. Not worth writing about. In fact, it hurts too much. I do think that what I have to do right now is absolutely raze the mess that is my apartment. I mean, perhaps it is not a giantic mess, but I want to change it. I want to get some proper furniture. I don't know why, but maybe that seems symbolic of something. And, I want to study art. I think I will go back to Florence if I can get the money together, maybe in the fall. But I promise that I won't be in touch with Marco. I will make Florence my own again, and I won't tempt myself to break my own heart all over again.

But then, maybe I should save up money and go next year instead. If I were to go for the intensive drawing class in September 2010...that would be a long wait. Hurts to think of it.

I wish I didn't keep on stumbling around and making the same mistakes over and over again. I feel as though I never learn. I never find my roots. I feel as though I am back at square one.

I'm so chilled I am wearing a wool sweater and I'm going to put on panty hose. This is not great.

I feel quite empty right now. Bereft, even. Yes, quite bereft. Mostly I am worried that in spite of wanting to understand I will never be able to figure out how to break the cycle of mistakes that I make. I am never going to be in a relationship, am I?

Well, even though it is square one again, I will sit and try to think, as artgnome suggested, about happiness coming from within. When life gets tough the tough get going and all. I know. Still feel bereft.

7:47 a.m. - 2009-05-27

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