enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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On the waves of the sea.

Hi dudes,

I am home. I just got in the door. But I am so relieved that I had to post.

There's nothing like going through a bit of physical hell and then getting back home to make you appreciate what you have.

The conference was AWFUL. I was so ill. Economists are boring and completely lacking in manners. There was a professor there who was openly gaping at me. C. was amused. I was not amused. I wanted to scream at him, "Have you not ever seen a woman before!?"

But first, let me tell you how sick I have been. Fever. Cold into my chest. Very scary for me because I have asthma. Last night was out with C.'s relatives who live west of Toronto and in the eastern U.S. and who came up to celebrate his Ph.D. They are so sweet and lovely. I'm sitting at dinner last night, however, having a full-on asthma attack, and wondering when exactly I should politely ask them to take me to the hospital.

I don't know if any of you have asthma or have experienced what it feels like to be suffocating, but let me tell you that it is a horrible feeling. It is partly my own fault as I never carry my medication with me anymore (although I did have an inhaler in Italy (an expired one, but whatever)). So I have learned my lesson. I am going to the doctor tomorrow.

So I didn't sleep last night at all, and then this morning after tossing and turning in the wee hours I awoke with not only the chest thing but the worst sinus headache ever. I took some heavy cold medicine to get on the plane, arrived into FREEZING cold Ottawa, and miraculously I feel a bit better now. I will definitely take a sick day tomorrow. Oh lordy, will I ever. I am a tough old bird but boy did I get hit with a wallop of a virus this time.

Oh! There were a bunch of rock star looking dudes with long hair in the business class section of my plane coming back this aft. I heard on the way out that they were Elton John's band. Funny, no? I wonder what Elton JOhn's band could want with the big zero? I haven't heard of him playing here. ALthough I did hear that he recently married his longstanding Canadian lover. (After Italy, writing consecutively the words "Canadian" and "lover" seem horrifyingly oxymoronic, but I digress.)

(Aside: My mother always did say, as I was growing up, "Cold hands, warm heart.")

Just googled...apparently EJ and Billy Joel are playing the big zero tomorrow night. Who knew?

Anyhow. All is well.

I suffered quite a bit over the Marco thing in the last few days as well, of course, but don't get the wrong impression. I am not depressed or dying of a broken heart. I suspect that it will be tough for a long time not to fantasize that I've "lost" the man of my dreams, but that's all it is - a fantasy. He has information that I don't have, and he doesn't think it can work (unless I move to Europe, in which case everything would be dandy and "we could see each other all the time").

At any rate, he sent me a beautiful email on Wednesday telling me how much he values having me in his life and how he wishes the best for my life and looks forward to seeing me again soon. It is fine. I am not going to ruminate over this. I am going to maintain my friendship with him and look around me and be pleased that I am living and feeling and being and trying. I will not give up hope or faith for a better, happier outcome in future (with someone else, I mean).

Believe it or not, I believe that things happen for a reason. There are many things guiding my course. I trust that it is a beautiful course.

So I've thought a lot about what I'm going to do in future. Being at the economics conference made it so starkly apparent that I can't do this for much longer. (Granted, I was sick, but I came close to killing a couple of people and felt loathing for scores of others! So unlike me...am rather ashamed.) I'm fine with that (the getting out of economics thing). I'm going to have to take a huge income hit but I absolutely vow to myself that in the next few years all of the plans are going forward.

Of course, I don't know what the plans are yet. I had visions of somehow meeting up with my friend Deb (from Florence) who wants to take a Ph.D. in Art History in Europe if she can afford to do it (read: find a job as a lawyer in London or something, to finance it) and also doing a Ph.D. in Art History, and opening up an art gallery together.

That's completely impractical.

I'm definitely going to do the diplomatic interview. Maybe I'll do them until I get a position. That's a thread that has entered my life over and over and over again and maybe it keeps on rearing its head because it's calling to me, "Hey, you - Get over here!"

I'm also going to apply for anything that shows up on the OECD website.

I'm going to continue firing all of the guns at my French. And if it fits, and I have the time, I'm going to start formal Italian at the university in the fall (night classes, I mean).

I sat in the airport a couple of hours ago thinking about taking the intensive drawing class in Florence in September, but I can't quite decide re. the money. I probably should save money for a bigger, longer term move, as artgnome suggested. I'm not sure. I'm not going to pin this down too quickly. I'm going to be prudent and save money and let things figure themselves out.

I'm still going to stick with my plan to gut my apartment and my belongings and reshape them into a space that is beautiful and that fills me with joy. I only ever have that feeling of being filled with beauty when my feet hit Italy. That must change. It's cold and green here and there are no Renaissance frescoes, but I can make this beautiful. And every day I must draw.

When I think about it, I can light myself up with my own imagination, if I commit to it.

Maybe it's that I always commit when I'm here to letting my surroundings depress me.

I can't help but notice how slovenly people are and how ugly the buildings are and how bad is the food and how cheap women are expected to look in order to be attractive to the "average" male.

I think I need to stop looking at these things, or at least stop dwelling on them. I can create my own little oasis here. And no doubt, if anywhere, there must be some like-minded people in Ottawa. I need to stay strong and hopeful and determined. I can do this.

And besides, I know that I have many people rooting for me. My friends. My family, even. And you guys. And I can tell how deeply even Marco feels for me. I am lucky and I often refuse to see it. So often there have been wonderful people entering my life and settling themselves in to stay and to stand by me. So cool. So nice. Maybe they're not always in the shape or form that I want to force them to be, but as they say, "Be careful what you wish for." I don't think we always know what is best for us. I definitely don't fully understand why I want certain things when I want them. But I can master this. I have great strength and determination and resiliance. I am the little engine that could. I've always known this about myself, held it inside like the tiny seed of a great big light.

Now for some tea and a hot bath to open the chest. You'll be proud of me: I've already emailed my always-on-the-blackberry boss to tell him that I won't be in tomorrow. I'm learning to take care of myself.

4:09 p.m. - 2009-05-31

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