enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Gotta run for breakfast

Hi guys!!

Had a great day yesterday, although it ran a bit late and I drank too much wine!

First though, I must say that it was me and not Marco who was in the wrong here. He told me all along that he wants to be just friends. He emailed me that he would call me when he got back from Switzerland. I replied to him not to worry about me and to call me when he got back/ it was convenient. Me waiting for him to call on my birthday or to show some other gesture was entirely my fault.

It is clear though from what he set up - he never takes a day off and here he is planning to take one and take me cycling along - that he sort of has "plans" for us though. So in that sense he is wrong: We can't be just friends and then not friends.

I'm really in a dilemma!! I want to get out in the countryside, love cycling and want to complete this thing (talk about it with him). I also don't want to miss my drawing class on Tuesday. The Thursday lecture I could repeat myself, but I also have the fear of getting myself all stupid and entangled if I go with him on THursday. I've decided to permanently cut it off when I go home. It is time for me to meet someone at home. Hopefully the journalist will be interestnig!!

On the other hand, last night with Joan and Deb got me thinking. Unfortunately it turned into drinks and chat and laughs and no concert, but we had an outrageously ridiculous time. We got to San Marco and the Accademia too late, so I suggested we go into one of the museums open later. Joan was not into dinosaurs, shall we say. It was absolutely hysterical. I took a wee video of the two of them exploring the museum. Joan and I decided that the dinosaurs went extinct because the Italians skinned them to make shoes. :)

Speaking of shoes, since it is Sunday I've decided that today is a day to worship at the temple of Prada and at the temple of God. :) I'm going to do churches interspersed with shopping. Good plan, non? First I NEED to buy a pair of flat Italian driving loafers with comfortable soles. I brought some stupid ballet flats that I had bought that have a bit more of a sole than my other ones, but they are still stiff and caused my blisters. Not comfortable. Need to buy others. Italian ones.

I also feel like buying a colourful bright blue or lilac top or soemthing. The dress might be challenging; I'd probably never wear it again in Canada. So if I buy a top it will look great with my white pencil skirt, etc. Good plan, non? Then I can ogle the wonderful Italians out shopping in the core. :) I wish I were richer and could buy the new Prada perfume. So pretty!

Anyhow...let's get serious. All is well. I realized that this whole Marco thing remains and always will remain my inner conflict about being single, about not feeling that attractive, about not being sure of my course. Last night though, I was talking with Deb and Joan and I realized that I am really into the idea of pursuing the Foreign Service job. It's almost as though this mysterious interview came along at the right time. I'm on a better course, money-wise, in my current work, but the Foreign Service I think would keep me more interested. My job is extremely interesting...if you like that kind of thing. Do I want to calculate costs and revenue streams for the rest of my life and deal with the associated policy?

The thing that has always appealed to me about the FS is the variety of work. And given my background and experience, I realized when I was talking to Joan that I would have opportunities that other recruits would not have right from the start. I would likely very quickly be able to be posted to Europe, i.e. the OECD in Paris, London, etc. I could easily go to any international institution as a rep. on the trade side. Of course I might be more interested in the political stream.

Anyhow. So I started thinking about relationships in light of this. I've always had ambivalence about relationships. For some girls, such as annamaria, who commented yesterday (and who only ever comments to give me advice about finding and keeping romantic love :)), from what I've gleaned from her writing, having a boyfriend/partner is extremely important to her, maybe the most important thing. For me I don't think that is quite the case, and I feel conflicted about it. On the one hand, I live with the fear that I'll never try it out again and so miss out on something that could be great; on the other hand I really strain at the bit when I think of being tied down. It's not an easy question for me to answer. I mean, as Joan pointed out to me, I spent 12 years non-stop living with men in my late teens and twenties. I have a pretty good idea of what being in a relationship is like. Is that really what I want? Those men almost uniformly bored me after a short while. And, if I'm honest, it's not even that they were bad men or bad catches or anything. In fact, at least three of them had a great deal to offer. It was me. It was the match.

Let's think about it...If I had to tell you what my gut is saying right now, it is to just let go and not think about it. I feel like considering seriously the Foreign Service, so I will. I also feel like getting out and dating and meeting interesting men in Ottawa. That's the only way, just like trying out my drawing course was the only way to reconnect with that part of my brain, that I'll know if I have the patience to make a relationship work. So there. It's all figured out. And Marco absolutely cannot be a good choice for me, so there is no point going there. Done. Phew. Now to put the plan in action.

8:42 a.m. - 2009-05-17

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