enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Please ignore my stupidity of the last couple of days.

Dudes,
I just want to say that I'm sorry for all of the angsty Marco crap! I am sorry that you've been reading it! I've kind of gone off the rails on my Italian journey!

It's funny how when you stop and think sometimes you realize that your actions have a complex array of issues and feelings behind them. I'm realizing that this Italy thing is bigger than just seeing beauty and getting out in the world. It seems to be about figuring out all of those big questions about my course in life, the commitments I'm willing to make.

I guess what I'd have to say, and this fits with what Anna commented to the last entry, is that there are virtually no relationships that I've observed directly in my life that I envy (between men and women, that is). I don't know of any marriages that I envy. I know of a few that have survived and done reasonably well, but often after infidelity. I know that I could never tolerate that in a partner.

And although I doubt that I would ever cheat, I also doubt myself in terms of my ability to stay interested in one person for a long time!

So tricky. So tricky. I feel a bit of an idiot for it, but since half of people divorce and huge swaths of the population cheat, I can't be alone in this. :)

It's natural to feel conflicted. We all want love. I want love, and affection, but I also love to have my space and my time and control over my life. Tricky.

At any rate, I'm going to stop talking about this. I still haven't figured out if I am going to see Marco this week. I suppose it doesn't matter. It seems more or less at this point a question of whether or not I remain interested in cycling or if I want to do art only on this trip.

Just stopped in to the hostel to change my shoes. My flats are sooooo uncomfortable and I still haven't found replacement shoes. What a pain in the ass! Bought a cute blue top at Zara (so cheap), so at least that job is done. Off to the churches. Maybe the Madonna can help me to sort out my myriad dilemmas. Maybe my solution is simply to go in for a few short term but pleasant relationships with men, and to find satisfaction in my deep friendships such as I have with the C-meister, and hopefully also with some girlfriends and others in Ottawa eventually.

OK...off for gelato!
Sorry for being such an idiot...I'm back and ready to enjoy my Italian journey...

1:28 p.m. - 2009-05-17

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