enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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HUGELY IMPATIENT

Kind of in a testy mood.

Unrelated, artgnome is entirely correct: women do have a great deal of responsibility to take for the way that women are treated in our culture in particular. At the same time, it has taken me a long time in my life to realize the degree that I am disadvantaged within the power structure (in spite of appearances otherwise).

Anyhow! That is not what I am going to talk about this morning. I bought some fair trade coffee yesterday (had not been drinking coffee for a while), so I am making some to make the morning a wee bit brighter.

I didn't sleep well last night. I could NOT fall asleep! I have no idea why this is STILL happening to me on Sundays, when work is going well. It must simply be a habit.

At the same time, here's a little clue: I depressed myself by visiting a blog when I got back from the the pub last night that documents a woman's life in Florence. She has been living there for six years, having transplanted herself from California and married an Italian dude.

I don't know what's going on in my head. On the one hand, I would love to wake up every day in Florence and get to stroll the streets looking at all of the special details it contains. On the other hand, I could not afford it, would not know how to make a decent living there, and would be worried about my future constantly. I don't really want to move to Italy. You have to have a significant pot of resources to do that as a foreigner, methinks.

At this point, I think I'd be pretty happy with a place in Tuscany somewhere, that I could visit for a few weeks every year. I mean, I'd like it to be more than a few weeks, but I'd have to get another job. I've just started reading Franc3s Mayes' Under the Tusc@n Sun, and it's rather envy-inducing. Not only does she have three months off per year as a university lecturer, but her husband is the same and was willing to invest his money in a house to restore in Tuscany. I'm so jealous! That's what I want!

If I stay in my current job and get promoted up the ranks, I will only have I believe 4 weeks of vacation. Perhaps a little bit more. It is not three months.

Otherwise, I don't know how I could make money and employ myself sufficiently gainfully to spend several months per year in Italy. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I know - I deserve so much pity.

I think that what is going on in my mind is sheer impatience. I know I'm on a decent path for me right now, but I want to be on THE path. I want to get there. I want everything to be worked out already. I want to have found my dream/passion (other than living in Italy, although why not have that as a "dream") and to be pursuing it. Right now, I am only pursuing stability.

Stability is important. I have never before had it. I should be grateful for the flights of imagine that it is making possible. In fact, that is the point, isn't it? I'm learning to trust that I can succeed and find my way. I can build on that.

OK. Enough complaining. Off to work and then after work to meet up with the poet scientist.

I'm rather nervous about this meeting. I think he's continued to live with his "comfort girlfriend." She's an OK woman but I know that there are weird things going on with them. He is desperate to have a family, which is why they are living together (plus they DO like each other, though I think more as friends). Still, she tried a few months ago to become a friend on FB. I didn't respond. I didn't like her nasty/insensitive remarks to me last year about my fertility (definitely triggered by jealousy though, I understood).

Soo..the point is that the last time I saw the dude he tried to kiss me. And then he ignored it and wrote to me about moving in with this other woman.

Anyhow. I hope that they are happy. THey are both hitting their late 30s and since they both want a family...I'm expecting to hear from him tonight that they are engaged or planning to get pregnant. Should be interesting. Just exactly the environment into which everyone should bring a child!

I suppose I'm worried about my reaction to this, because it's difficult to tell someone that you are not seeing anyone and you are not planning to in the near future, without him or her pitying you. I do not want to be pitied! It's difficult to convey a certain peace or satisfaction with my choice that doesn't sound like a rationalization, with someone staring you in the face. And you know that I would never be able to say to him - as straightforward as I am - that I am trying to find the best and truest life for myself and it would be premature for me to get together with someone. I need to figure out what I truly want first. Maybe I should start with an Italian count...

I should run. Another day, another dollar. HOpe you are bright-eyed and bushytailed.

XO

I'm cross. Very cross. I'm going to ask the universe for a cool count. ;-)

8:45 a.m. - 2009-04-20

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