enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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One washes out the other

As soon as things start going well (see my grand day yesterday), I start thinking that something has to go wrong...

...and I panic.

Those of you who also panic know exactly what this feels like.

Today, it was because C. didn't reply to me.

I went to French this morning. Afterwards I went to work and said some stupid things, did some stupid things, etc. etc. You know, the usual. :)

But then, I realized that C. hadn't replied to my email by 5 p.m. (we don't usually email much during the day - just a line or two a day, typically). I had emailed him to ask about a run and a trip to the pub tonight. I emailed him again and he didn't reply. I called him and he wasn't there.

So...I started to panic that something had happened to him. I came home and picked up his keys and went over to his apartment. No C. No emails or phone calls to my apartment. Nothing.

Finally he DID call me at home at 6:30 and of course everything is OK. Something had gone awry at work today and he had been in someone else's office when I had been trying to reach him.

It's RIDICULOUS that I freak out like this. I know it is because my mother hardly ever talks to me anymore and I feel so alone. Also, of course, C. has been my closest friend for nearly ten years now. He's like my brother. (My brothers contact me far less. :))

It's always the same - when you've lost a parent or someone else suddenly, it becomes much more difficult to handle little changes in someone's routine.

Or at least it has become so for me.

I wish I could conquer this problem.

Anyhow. All is fine now. Well, my heart is still racing a bit and my mind unsettled. I just walked out and bought a bottle of wine. I rarely drink during the week these days but I will have a glass tonight for sure. First, I await C. getting home so that we can go for a run. That should help.

Life is brutal. I don't know how you mothers deal with worrying about your kids. I don't think I could handle it.

In sunnier news, I am wearing a bright, lemon yellow sweater today with old-fashioned, jewel-like buttons on the sleeve cuffs. Very bright and intended to be cheerful!

HOpe you are all well. Wish you could come to the pub to down a pint with me tonight. Is all of the daily grim news (I mean, it's grim, daily here) also too much for you? (I honestly think that constantly hearing bad news is dimming my cheer. It's also feeding my paranoia about losing a job. And they say that people became healthier during the Great Depression...)

6:46 p.m. - 2009-03-25

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