enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I'm losing my train of thought

Still at work, and still will be for the foreseeable future. One of the annoying things is that I have to do a lot of waiting whilst the model runs. So I do things on the Internet. I suppose not unenjoyable.

Rushed out at 5 to have my hair cut. I'm glad in the end that I'm not going to Montreal with K this weekend - she's still not talking to me - because I really did feel badly not being loyal to my guy. To be perfectly honest, people and cool chats with people who try hard are much more important to me than having the hippest hair cut. I guess that's the small town part of me coming out. Whenever we lived in a small town - which was actually quite a bit, although my dad was Toronto-based and I was educated in Toronto - I loved the quality of service. I am very loyal to people. I especially loved that I had the same small-town doctor until he died of stomach cancer at an advanced age (90, I think), when I was thirty.

Anyhow. I got all of the nasty bits that were hanging down at the bottom cut off. Not sure given all of the layers still in the hair whether it isn't going to go completely mental when I wash it, but he said I could come back if it gives me some trouble. I'm sure that we'll find an equilibrium.

This thing with K. has really gotten me thinking. I still feel badly about hurting her feelings, but as I examined the issue today - and you know I did - except for telling her that I do feel that she flirts a bit more than I think is appropriate in the office (and I explained why I feel there is a generational difference), I feel that it is her response to it that is the problem and not what I said. I'm trying to reduce my guilty feelings.

It also gave me a moment to examine how this situation is good or interesting in other ways. She has been pressuring me to change my appearance. I don't know why I succumbed to that idea. I don't want to spend money colouring my hair or driving to special hair appointments. I know that there is an argument for marketing the product a bit more fully but I feel much more comfortable being natural. I like a few new, pretty clothes, but when I spend too much time and money on my appearance I always feel kind of sick to my stomach. It's a difficult balance to navigate, but I guess that ultimately it's for me to do what feels comfortable to me. I'm trying to sort out I guess how resolute I am about certain values and preferences.

The other interesting - and I mean VERY interesting - revelation that I had today is that she is a very dependent person. I am not at all. This was bound to blow up at some point. She reminds me of my mother, actually. Not a good thing to recreate THAT relationship.

I think that that MIGHT be all that I have to say. I have quite a lot left to do so I suppose I should get back at it!

I'm so sorry again about the California thing. Another time! I am sure that we will meet somewhere else.

7:10 p.m. - 2009-02-26

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