enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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No need to read - one more boring thought about that conflict.

Just got home 45 mins ago! Ridiculous!

Cast off in the morning though (yes!).

Went to the bank on the way home and didn't want to go in - alarm was going off (on the door, I think). Eek! I didn't see any other signs of activity.

So I realized I didn't explain the dependent comment from the last entry. I realized yesterday that K. is completely dependent on other people's opinions re. everything. At work, everything is a conversation with someone else. She's on the phone to her husband about every hour during the day. It was natural for her to want to have a meeting about a comment that her boss made to her that she decided she didn't like this time. She had already told the guy in the office next door before she contacted me.

What is interesting is that she has been dependent on me for support through her anxiety. I've given a lot of that. At the same time she has known my boundaries, I think. She has also, as I mentioned, constantly been trying to change my appearance, I think because this is an area in which she feels in control. I am also not someone who cares that much. I am open, but ultimately I just don't care that much.

It's quite an interesting dynamic, however, as this is exactly what my mother is like. My mother is flagrantly inappropriate, loud and the life of the party. She is also highly, highly dependent on my step-father. If she wants to do something and he's not interested...they do what he wants to do. She has never spent a day away from him.

At the same time, all of my life my mother was trying to change my appearance.

I wonder if with these women they pick on this one thing, because I'm not insecure about my intelligence or capabilities. I'm also quite certain in my values and I know what interests me. In some ways, I am very strong. I'm just not confident that people will like me, mostly for superficial reasons.

So it's kind of natural that eventually we reached a point at which I felt only annoyance with K's dependence on men and on others, generally, for attention, because that is a big point of conflict between my mother and I.

Funny. You learn something new every day. Things that make you go hmmm...

Isn't it scary when you realize that you were probably attracted to being around someone because of a relationship model that you absorbed as a child?

Eek. I really wish I had another pizza. I have half a mind to order one. My boss is giving me a day off next week - not sure which day - though I'd be happy if he were to just buy me a pizza. :)

Do you know that things with Marco are great right now? I feel very comfortable being his friend and he has been opening up to me about his fears over the economy. He wrote to me tonight that he wishes that I liked him! So of course I wrote back that I care for him, only now I recognize what he has been saying about the distance problem. I would date him if I lived there or if it were likely that either of us would move. As it is, as he has suggested before, friends makes sense. I have very happily been very supportive of him in his time of concern. He has almost - almost - convinced me to come over there to cycle a bit with him in May. That is, if we get through the reporting to Harliament that the Fiberals have required of the lovernment in April. Who knows what will happen if the government falls...I think you understand my conundrum.

Probably best not to plan anything at this point, and assume that flights will hold steady given the weak markets.

11:12 p.m. - 2009-02-26

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