enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pronouncement Day

OK, so this really IS a pronouncement-worthy day.

I've made a lot of progress lately, and I mean A LOT.

It feels like a giant shelf of ice is cracking up into pieces.

That's what progress is like, don't you think? You spend years and years and months and months slogging through all of the crap, and then often a whole bunch of things change all at once.

For sure, the promotion has made a huge difference. My anxiety levels are practically at naught. I'm doing good work, feeling like my best, smartest self.

But that's not the news!

The news is that this morning something wonderful happened.

I realized, late, that I had an appointment with the career counsellor for a follow-up. I didn't have anything specific to tell her, other than that I had received my promotion and that I was feeling better...Oh and also that I've been thinking about reopening my Economics Ph.D. with a History department here, if I can find a supervisor interested in my thesis.

So she got quite excited about this, since I'd told her about how I had wanted to be a historian since I was a little girl. I explained my thesis topic a little bit and she mentioned to me that she had known the chair of women's studies at the nearby university who is actually a full professor in the Dept. of History. She sent me a link for this woman.

And oh my GOD...I looked at this woman's bio and it's as though she had been made to supervise my thesis. I mean, every research area of interest was specifically matched to my particular thesis! She even won the best professor award at the uni last year, which is DEFINITELY NOT something that my supervisor at BigMacGill could ever have won.

It was a weird moment of epiphany. I mean, this woman may turn out to be a freak and not interested in me or discouraging or whatever, but I had a weird feeling when I opened up that email and read the bio. It felt like a sign.

I know that there aren't signs. It's just that my conscious mind is now tuned into these things that are starting to shape themselves into goals for me.

Since I finally realized the emotional break with M. this weekend, and the emotional cut with going back to Italy this spring, I've been feeling much more as though I'm on a definable path (and not running about and selecting things willy nilly).

The outcome might be very different than envisioned, but at least there will be closure of a sort, either way.

Also, I think I've decided not to bother with the Foreign Affairs interview. If I got it it would only be for ego and for some illusion/fantasy that I have about living abroad. I've worked for Foreign Affairs - for the better part of the period between 1992 and 2000, in fact - and I didn't enjoy much of the work. It sounds much, much more glamorous than it actually is.

Somehow, also, I have the feeling that I would enjoy living in Rome for about three months, and then afterwards it would get on my nerves. Not sure.

All of that said, I did have a true surge of wanderlust again yesterday, whilst reading an article in the Gu@rdian raving about still traveling like a backpacker. The guy writing the article was just like me - late 30s and professionally employed. It was all about being on the ground to experience a place and to meet interesting people. I'm there.

I'll think about it. Oh! I also went out for beers after work with the young people of the department (late 20s), who have a network and go out on Thursdays. I had a great time (and didn't drink anything). The point being that no one had any idea that I'm almost 40, except for the people who already know me. I had fun. Also, I realized in talking with them that as young and pretty as they look and how talented and accomplished they already are at this point...I would not want to be 28 again. Well, not really. :) What I mean I think is that I realize how much work I have done to get to where I am at 38. I would not want to have to go back and do all of that again. That emotional uncertainty I would not welcome back.

8:08 p.m. - 2009-02-12

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

other diaries:

stepfordtart
ohell
awittykitty
annanotbob
manfromvenus
smartypants
fifidellabon
hungryghost
hissandtell