enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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It's bloody cold in my apartment. Boo hoo!

Ana, by the way, that's the C. back in the foreground of the skating picture! Just for you!

So I missed the play tonight. I was going to go to a play. But right before I left my boss mentioned something that I could do and hadn't. Oops! And then I got confused and made a fool of myself, as usual! (Oops - fuck off, anxiety.)

I was ill-behaved this afternoon. I did some work but I also twaddled about on the Internet. My mind just wasn't interested. I also chatted this morning with my friend. I suppose that everyone needs some slack every once in a while.

I'm definitely feeling antsy. Am not getting many hits on the dating site, even though I think my picture is cute. Probably I'm too old or too something.

Ah well. No big deal.

I kind of have the sniffles. In spite of this, I'm waiting for C. to arrive so that we can go for a run. It's relatively mild outside at the moment and so it seems a good night for a run to burn off some excess energy.

I have another of my terrific multigrain pizza doughs rising! Yumm! Only I realized that I don't have any mushrooms (my favourite pizza topping by far).

Do you know, today I went into the internet archive (librarians will know about this) and retrieved a few archived pages of my diary. My god they were useless! They made me sound useless!

The sad thing is that I'm not sure that I'm any better now. All I did was apologize for myself and my crap writing. I STILL apologize for myself all of the time. It's rotten!

Well, I don't have anything interesting to say today so I will quit here.

I did not make any progress today on thinking about a career change.

I did not make any progress in making friends and getting out of the house.

I did not make any progress today in building my self-esteem.

That's not a good list.

I think there must be a way to do one thing each day to get all of those things going. Hmm..Will make that list for myself after the run. When I write things down and schedule them I am pretty good about doing them.

But then the doc told me last week that I am supposed to now write and think in terms of pleasure (wants, needs), and making lists doesn't seem to gel with this (although the lists are about satisfying wants, so perhaps they qualify).

I have concluded, definitely, that the whole M. thing has been my fault. I've allowed him to play yo-yo with me without telling him my true feelings and how the yo-yoing makes me feel. I deserve what I get.

Ah la la. Must get dressed or C. will yell at me. Hello Kitty! apron splattered with flour not a good running outfit.

7:16 p.m. - 2009-01-22

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