enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Pizza's here

Meandering entries in pieces. I ordered a pizza.

I'm so hungry that I could eat a horse. That's pretty much the only time that I crave a pizza.

I didn't have any pizza in Italy.

I have to tell you that I'm actually thinking of NOT going to ITaly in April.

Of course, in the end, I probably will go.

Wouldn't it be nice if for once in my life I could actually go with a boyfriend. :)

Not going to happen, of course, but remarkably I actually believe that I might end this year WITH a boyfriend. That would be quite an achievement.

I'm going to have to buy at least a sofa and clean out my apartment a bit before that will happen though, I suspect. :)

I really do wonder how this year will evolve.

I saw someone somewhere write a love letter to 2009. It's a bit of a maudlin idea, but probably spelling out your hopes and dreams for a year can't hurt - an act of affirmation, if you will.

I'm not sure what my hopes and plans will be for this year. I'm in my 39th year. By mid-year I'll have entered my 40th year.

I don't have any beliefs about what one should accomplish before the 40th birthday. I kind of see that boundary as more of a hazy, dotted line than anything. And besides, I won't reach it until 2010. ;-)

I think that 35 was the difficult one for me. I didn't see myself making any progress between 29 and 35. I was stuck in that damned Ph.D. and COMPLETELY paralyzed with respect to dating and self-perception. I still feel ugly and undesirable some of the time, but not the way that I did during that period. That was a dark period.

So I got to 35 and I was listening to all of those biological clock people, feeling stuck in starting a career at the statistics agency (yawn, ugh). That's when the nervousness more than the anxiety started, I would say - when I started to feel that I would crumble if anyone looked at me the wrong way. That was about the age at which I started to feel that my chances were all past.

Anyhow. Consciousness of a sort is arriving.

In 2009 I think I hope to start feeling marginally better about my career or at least my career plans.

I'd also like to start dating wonderful, bright, fun men. They don't even have to end up being my boyfriend. And I certainly don't have to get married. I'd just like to be spending my time with quality men who treat me like a queen.

Really, that's what I want.

What else?

Not much, really. I have everything else that I could want. I know that I'm never going to reform my mother and my relationship with her into something healthy and mature. I can at least hope for a little bit of progress on that front, and I do.

I suppose I also wish for a stronger feeling that I am doing something meaningful for the planet and the people in it.

I also hope that I can succeed in having the courage to explore my creativity and allowing that to be a part of my daily life. I'm still trapped in fear on that one.

I hope that I continue to meet and keep wonderful friends with kindred spirits.

That wasn't much of a love letter. It was a wish list.

Pizza's here. Pictures of Italia tomorrow!!

9:52 p.m. - 2009-01-12

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

other diaries:

stepfordtart
ohell
awittykitty
annanotbob
manfromvenus
smartypants
fifidellabon
hungryghost
hissandtell