enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If only I could erase the last eight hours.

I'm quite relieved that not too many people seem to be reading this. I needed to treat this as a true diary and to write all of this out today. It's been a horrible, drawn-out process. Not good at all.

I'm suffering or struggling or just confused today. I have trouble with decisions, clearly.

I think I am about thirteen years old, because I feel the same sort of disappointment over the M. thing as I did when I was a kid and a friend canceled a sleepover!!! OK, well, I suppose that it is worse than that. :)

I'm REALLY, REALLY causing myself over distress over this decision. I come close to buying the ticket - I mean, credit card details entered and hostel selected close - and then I close up the window and retreat. I finally, about a half an hour ago, poured myself a glass of wine.

WHYYYYYYYYY can't I be better at making decisions? In the end it's about a $2000 decision. I have no children. I have no car. I have no medical problems. I mean, WHY CAN'T I JUST GET ON A PLANE AND GO AND LOOK AT SOME ART WITHOUT FREAKING OUT???

I'm beating myself up tonight. I keep on thinking that the choice is extreme: Go to Italy and be alone and spend money, OR stay at home and pretend that I am going to have things to do and can be happy here.

I can be relatively happy here - reading books, blah blah. But in terms of finding someone to spend time with, building a relationship...not going to happen for a while, clearly until I start to feel better about myself and more...relaxed.

What a mess!! Can you imagine someone who is more of a mess? I looked in the mirror today and it made me want to cry. I seem so old and so sad and so lonely. Even when I think I'm happy, such as on Friday, other people perceive me as sad. And when I think I'm withdrawn, people perceive me as happy.

All I want is to have a family and to feel safe and enthusiastic and loved. Why is it so difficult?

It's so difficult.

OK. That's all. What a crazy day. I'm embarrassed to be me.

Oddly enough, I took some pictures earlier and I don't look so very crazy. I even look peaceful. I guess I remain well-fed.

Tomorrow is another day...with the government on the brink...I hope I can pull myself BACK from it. :)

Crazy. All of it.

11:19 p.m. - 2008-12-07

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

other diaries:

stepfordtart
ohell
awittykitty
annanotbob
manfromvenus
smartypants
fifidellabon
hungryghost
hissandtell