enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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The free-wheeling, Monday morning truth

YOu know, I cope pretty well with living in Canada in winter, but this morning it is -22 (feels like -29, yes, I know, mr. weathercaster), and my teeth were clicking together as I got into the shower. It's just that simple transition that makes me so miserable it's like I'm having all of my teeth pulled at once!

STILL haven't decided on the trip. At this moment I feel like NOT going. This means that I probably SHOULD buy the ticket today and go, since it means that I am retreating into myself, deciding not to go because of money, being fearful. All of those things I want to prevent.

I wish I felt better today. I screwed myself over as usual on Sundays, since I poured myself that glass of wine rather late in the evening yesterday, didn't fall asleep early, didn't sleep well; my usual Sunday ritual of trying not to panic about work. It's muddled as to whether yesterday I was stressed about work or stressed about the fact that M. is going to be in Paris during the time in which I could possibly be in Italy.

I handle disappointment well, normally, but I know the reason for this: I am used to concluding that things will never work out for me, so I revert to my usual conclusion that I deserve it and I might as well just put a smile back on my face as no one likes a complainer.

That's the truth.

8:36 a.m. - 2008-12-08

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