enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary
"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh
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quick update
OK. So I'm sitting here crying! Yes I am!
I bought the ticket to Florence this afternoon.
It is true. And it is also true that I thought about asking M. if he would like me to come to Paris instead.
But given that he will be there with his family I did not feel that it would be proper to ask this.
I suppose I could have waited before buying a ticket to see if he would suggest that I come to Paris to meet him. But again, his family is important to him and I don't think he gets to see his sister too often, is taking his elderly mother, etc.
So today I bought the ticket to Florence, and now I just feel sad and lonely. I'm sure I'll feel differently when I get there. I just hope I didn't buy the ticket to prove a point. How stupid though to be flying to the same place for the third time in a year! I feel like a right nut case!
At any rate, I'm going to put it away and forget about it, and on the 27th I'll be off on a plane to see if I can make "chicken salad out of chicken shit," as they say. It's much more poetic to say "lemonade out of lemons," but I'm not feeling THAT great today. :)
I don't know. I worked very decisively and confidently today and did a great job. Going to the counselor, making decisions...these things will all help me to feel better about myself in time. I'm sure that this trip will yield new surprises that even I can't expect at this time. And of course, if I want to do this, in March I can return to Italy to see M. if I so choose.
Maybe it's just that I'm incredibly dysfunctional in relationships and in valuing myself and in knowing when to push and to try - I've probably done all of the wrong things in terms of expecting not much from him - but for some reason I feel it's better to let go and to see what comes next. I don't feel that it's my turn to push. Probably I'm stupid and gutless. Maybe I'm thereby destined to be alone.
PS I'm having mouse problems...I can hardly use my computer! Silly me. I forgot to mention one thing though: Today, how funny, but the tax authorities here realized that they owed me more in back taxes for last year. There was money deposited in my bank account today. It will pay for my New Year's Eve hotel room. Funny, non? I took it as a "sign," which is why I bought the ticket this aft. :) |7:02 p.m. - 2008-12-08
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Come al solito - 2011-04-16 unfettered spending - 2011-04-15 How does it go? - 2011-04-14 Whirlwind. - 2011-04-13 bleak that flips over to daffodil - 2011-04-08 |