enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I'm not going to carry other people's baggage anymore.

Wonderful. Here's my new theme song, which bears no relation to what I'm about to write. :) Sweet On3s Perhaps you can imagine me bopping to this music as the sinisters walk by. With headphones, of course (on me, not them). :)

I'm quite tired, but today was a relatively productive day.

As I was coming into the house tonight I realized that I'm still completely clueless about what actually I want to pursue in the near future. The difference is that I'm very "Meh!" about it.

The daily thoughts of M. have naturally also started to fade. I'll always think fondly of him but I don't think he really believes that we can have a relationship, since he's not moving here, and me moving there is difficult. So it sounds kind of weird but I'm just not into trying to make something work all by myself. I'm not into giving someone else optimism or balls or whatever if they don't have either already.

I remember when I met Shaun in Tokyo (London, really, but we got together in Tokyo). One of the things that I found most compelling about him was his confidence that he could make anything happen. He touched his toe to Canada and his toe to Australia on a tile mosaic (mosaics...quite a theme...hmmm...) in the park at Tokyo Bay and said, "We'll make it work!"

And in the same way he tackled his various careers. Blah. Blah. I'm not saying that he is a paragon of virtue. He was also younger and less realistic I suppose than is M. Or perhaps simply less beaten down by certain experiences.

I'm kind of rambling. I don't know what M. is thinking or imagining or whatever. He's just stopped proposing things, although he misunderstood my email of the weekend and thought that I would be able to move to Rome quite soon. But it does occur to me that I can't be the one to exclusively move mountains. I think I'm going to try to forget about him.

Well, until next April. :)

I can't really articulate this appropriately right now. I also can't conceive of being attracted to anyone here. Canadian men and I just don't click. They're not attracted to me - I'm not sufficiently busty and blonde and cutesy, I think - and I honestly am not attracted to them. They're too masculine, for lack of a better expression of it.

But, at any rate, I'm OK with it.

I really need to figure out where I want to go with respect to career and study in future, but I keep on hoping that that will just COME to me. It has to just COME to me, when I'm not RUMINATING. :)

I'm enjoying my little studies, on the other hand. I studied a bit of Italian at the end of the day, after I finished editing the jargon of a document in French! Yes!

I don't know. This is boring.

I guess I'm just trying to say that everything is good. I feel completely untroubled. I'm feeling decisive and in touch with my own reactions to things, which is great. When someone invites me to something I just make up my mind on the spot. And if I don't want to go I don't go. No guilt. It's getting easier to honour myself. I'm living and moving around in a state of peace.

Having said all of this, I'm going to have lunch with a friend tomorrow and will be at a birthday party on Saturday night. Just enough companionship. I can't find a cheap flight to NYC so I think I might just go to Montreal next weekend (not this coming one). It's loose.

And eventually, I am sure, another M. will come along, when the timing is right and I feel like it. Right now I'm too tired to deal with a man. :) In all honesty, I don't think that five months is a very long time at all. I don't see why M. and I can't simply date for a month out of the year. It seems that he fits with Italian women and their schedules and desires about as well as I mesh with Canadian men. And I am NOT going to online date again. The lack of connection that I feel with Canadian men is just magnified with the boors who end up online. :)

OK. Enough of this mindless blabber. Off to cook something.

6:46 p.m. - 2008-10-16

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