enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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It's all work.

I'm still up. It has been a horrible day. I just made some squash soup. Comfort food. And ate some other things.

I just thought I'd pop in to note that I really don't expect anyone to read my drivel. I would write here even if no one read my thoughts. I need to write out what I'm feeling, so that I can sort through problems and start to break patterns.

In all honesty, I'm quite discouraged about it at the moment. I had thought that I was making progress, but things lately have been telling me that I have not come far. There are two primary recent comments that have illuminated this for me. The first is that M. pegged in me that I am incredibly self-critical, and that I think too much about other people. He made me sound insecure and pathetic when he said this, even though he didn't mean it in that way, and I felt so sad because I hadn't realized that I had revealed that to HIM, too. The second thing is that my colleague tonight basically recoiled in horror at how low my self-confidence seems to be. And again, I had thought that I had gained some ground. Spelled out, it seems not.

I wish I could snap my fingers and be someone different. I have said that a million times and it remains true. I keep on hoping and hoping and yet I don't seem to gain ground.

And I keep on writing this to myself without being able yet to be convincing.

Hmm...

Well, it seems that sleep is in order, so that I don't completely bungle tomorrow's work.

!
You know, this is not an "I told you so," but a number of months ago I recall responding to teranika's frustration with Canadian banks and their excess of caution that given that the US was leading us into a global credit crunch with LAX regulation, I don't mind a little bit in our case. OY. I mean, it seemed obvious then that this was coming, but even I was sort of hoping for the best. Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. And it is going to get much, much worse. I rarely get frightened about economic matters, but I'll tell you this is likely to get very, very ugly. VERY UGLY. But then people have to learn through their pocketbooks, sadly.

12:17 a.m. - 2008-10-07

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