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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I wish I could stay home tomorrow

Oh guys, today was such a bad day.

I don't know what happened. I suppose I was just tired, and after the weekend of feeling genuinely ill my head wasn't together.

I had an actual panic attack at work, and it affected my work. I have always before been able to avoid notice. But this time what I was doing I just couldn't understand, in the way that my boss wanted me to understand. I continued to panic and then it got worse. Panic does that to you. I ended up apologizing repeatedly to my boss. I think he thinks I'm incompetent.

I know: Just forget about it and move on to tomorrow.

It's true. What can I do. If I have eroded his confidence in my ability to work under pressure, all I can do is try to rebuild it and not panic. I hope it doesn't affect me in the long term. I really wasn't trying consciously to self-sabotage. I think I was just tired, and obviously I have been so stressed in recent days.

And then I went to Italian class. They are already two weeks ahead of me, and it seems as though many people in the class are not true beginners. Still, I understood a fair bit even though I couldn't speak, per se. I enjoyed it. The teacher is funny. I think he likes me, unfortunately. He was kind of flirty, and he hesitated and gave me this look at the end of class. I suppose that pillow talk would be one way to learn though, non? :)

I'm just joking. It makes me sad to think about other men right now. Very sad.

But then I made the biggest boo boo ever: I kind of told my colleague who is in the class too much of what is going on with me. And the long and the short of was that on the walk home (we live near to each other), he said, "MY GOD you are so down on yourself and so pessimistic about your life."

I think I'm just realistic, e.g. that I can't really quit my job and go and study for eight years and become an art restorer and hope to get a job. And I can't move to Italy tomorrow and work at anything. And I mentioned that I didn't expect to get married or have kids, which is in part why I am thinking about my career so much.

GOD I AM AN IDIOT. I think it just poured out of me. I hope he will forgive me. I think I need to get a therapist. Note to self: Call therapist tomorrow.

Really, I need to get over this thinking that I can't do anything and that I'm no good and so on. Ultimately, that's what I plunge back to when I am in this state. It has been a difficult year.

And of course with the thing with my boss today now I am afraid that I really won't get my promotion any time soon. It's all not good.

So I just need to turn it all off and forget. I don't want to think that I am going to lose my job and my security and never get promoted and spend my life alone. I always revert to that when the going gets tough, because at the root I am so afraid.

By the way, I posted this in response to BoXx saying that she is totally right brain. Surprisingly, sort of, according to this I am completely right brain as well. I could not make the dancer go the other way. I cannot see it. What are you? Left or right brain?.

OH MY GOD. I just figured out how to switch from right to left brain. My default is completely right brain. I COULD NOT switch the dancer today. BUt just now I did an experiment by thinking about taxes, and as soon as I started to strain and "think," I could get her to switch. And then I would relax and she would go back to right brain. WEIRD. Try it. I now understand how I function - truthfully right brain; artificially left brain. How sad. Right now I can honestly say that I hate my brain.

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9:49 p.m. - 2008-10-06

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