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enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Thanks for the boost of energy that will get me through this day.

Your notes were so kind that they brought teras to my eyes. Thank you so much. All of it was good advice. I am going to take all of it.

In fact, I am going to try to call a counsellor today. I'll call the anxiety phone guy whom I really liked and leave him a message. Hopefully he'll help me to find something. I'll also need to go and get a prescription from my doctor. I think in part that I've been going it for a long time. And really, I do have HUGE confidence issues. Last night, for example, the guy from my work was talking about going to work in the international section of our department. Bear in mind that he is an economist and has four years less university education than I do, and far less research and analytical experience. And I said to him, "Well, I don't know anything about financial markets. It's not my specialty. I do labour."

And he completely guffawed. He looked at me incredulously and said, "You're an ECONOMIST. It would take you about two days to get up to speed."

Well, that's an exaggeration. But he is right. I always assume that I am not good enough and that nothing is possible. On one level I think that everything is possible and I dream. But on another level I really don't think that I am good enough or deserving. I can't seem to get out of this mind loop. SO I need help with that.

I woke up this morning wondering how I could keep a calm face and energy to go to work today, particularly with the senior economist who is ONLY confidence. I mean, he's mostly fluff bundled up in confidence. But you guys helped me. I will try to love myself and I will try to get some help with this. Also, I LOVE the idea of being someone different in another class. We shall see.

OK. GOTTA run. Gotta grab my lunch from the fridge. Have wonderful days you dear people.

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8:48 a.m. - 2008-10-07

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