enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Rolling thoughts before the brain gets turned OFF.

You know, I couldn't see it until Anna said it: I'm burned out.

Really, it's been like an ongoing adrenaline rush. My body is completely zapped, as is my mind. I've been trying to fix all of my life problems in one fell swoop.

I woke up and was lying in bed this morning listening to a global warming/election debate and thinking of M.

Quite shockingly, I was actually listening to the global warming debate quite attentively, but M. was also rolling around in my mind.

He emailed me yesterday that he is on a three-day tour, and that he'll write when he gets back. Oddly enough, I almost know when he's thinking of me. He pops into my head and I get a feeling that he's thinking of me at that moment. Sometimes it's good, and sometimes it seems distant.

So that sounds weird, but what I know and what is nagging me is that one always has a choice: keep the feeling going and hope that you can work something out; or drop it entirely.

I know one thing, and that is that if we lived in the same place we would definitely date and test out the relationship. There's just too much of a special connection.

But I'm not 25 anymore, and realistically I am not going to move to Italy to become an ESL teacher or something, if I could even find a job. It's just an intractable problem. Add to that the fact that he wants to retire in the next ten years and go traveling around parts of the world "where people don't look like us."

When I think about my future, I think about how uninterested I am in it. I could continue in my job and eventually become a deputy sinister or something. I'd be making good money and I could have a nice house in Ottawa and everything, but would I be fulfilled? No. I mean, the very thought makes me snore.

I suppose that makes the case for the foreign service stronger, but still it doesn't solve my problem.

I definitely want to find something at which I feel bliss, but the problem and question is CAN THAT PAY THE BILLS?

The answer to this last question is, "Likely no!"

I know that.

And as I've said many times, I can't solve it all right away. It has to evolve. (Gosh you fair readers must be so bored!)

SO the point I am getting to - and I am getting to a point - is that it seems that given the constraints facing me I should be dropping the idea of M. altogether.

What I really want to do, however, is EXPECT not to be with him in the long term, but take it as far as I can in the short term. Believe it or not, I think I could actually be happy for now just seeing him twice a year, if he is still available. He he he he. Joan actually said this to me. She suggested that maybe I'm someone who doesn't need a traditional life. It could be lonely at times, she said, but also fulfilling in other ways.

I think the thing though is that I think it would be hard on M. He's such a loving person. As difficult as it is to say, I wish he had someone to be with all the time. He's so warm and affectionate and caring. Every day I've spent with him - and there have only been eight, basically - everything has been about my comfort and enjoyment. He is really so warm and wonderful. He was telling me at dinner on the last night that he wasn't going to order creme caramel as his daughter would be making it for him the next night. How wonderful is that? And when we were off to meet his business partner and strolling through the town, he asked me if I needed shoes, as he could take me to a special shop.

I can't really explain it. I think I've learned from him exactly the type of man I would want to be with. First is the warm and loving and affectionate thing. Second is the smart thing. M. is smart, but not in an academic way. His training is in the arts, and I don't get the impression that he's overly mathematical or literary (though he does read). But he's smart. He's sharp and thoughtful. Third is the experience thing. Like me, he's more interested in experiences and feelings than in stuff and achievements. He cycled competitively. He worked as a jazz musician. He moved to South Africa and worked outdoors. He is a trained artist and does mosaics to make a living in the winter. All of those layers of richness; he's the perfect man in my view.

I get the feeling that he doesn't think of himself as the perfect man, largely because I don't think he has a lot of money. I think he has more than I thought, but of course he is not rich. But I can see nothing wanting in him. He's humble, kind, caring. People love him. I'm sure I'm not the first girl to like him in such circumstances, although when he first popped this on me in May he kept on saying, "This never happens to me with my clients."

I don't know. It doesn't matter. I guess what I'm saying is that Anna is completely correct: I need to turn my brain totally off. I learned something beautiful from this experience, and I won't settle for less in future. But what a scary thought to think that I might never meet another such person in my life. You regret the dreams that you don't chase.

I can be all practical and measured and reasonable but how horrible would it be to drop this now and then wake up in twenty years never again having met such a person.

But it has to be dropped. THere's simply nothing that I can do about it. I'll drop it until April. I'll go back for my course. And if there's still something there I will explore it. And I won't be disappointed if nothing comes of it.

OK. SO I said that I was through with this yesterday, but I guess not. When I was lying in bed this morning all I could think is, "How can I let go this specific man?"

Ah well. No solutions to be had right now. What I really need to decide today is if I will go cycling or just for a small run. I also need to decide whether I will go to the art gallery and the Italian shop in the market to buy some pecorino. I also need to buy coffee. Unfortunately cycling takes sufficiently long that it would preclude the art gallery. Hmm..not sure. Maybe art gallery and a wee run is best.

One of the worst pains that I experience in life is the horrible pain of confusion that I have over making decisions. On days like this I feel like I am wasting the entire day because I can't choose between alternatives. It's terrible. It's my worst personality trait - indecision. I loathe this about myself.

OK. THat's all. Really, that is all for M. I'm just working out what I can live with. I don't want to regret in future that I gave up. And more than anything I don't want to give up and sink into security because it's what I was trained to do. I don't want to always be a "should" girl.

The brain is going "OFF" now.

11:12 a.m. - 2008-10-05

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