enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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A bit of peace, baci baci baci, and heaps of inspiration

Ah well did you ever have the most perfect of perfect days?

Yes?

Well this one was mine.

First, I feel great. Tragedy of tragedies though, M. is getting sick. I felt terrible. He was quite the stoic about it though.

I won't go into detail about the MARVELOUS couple that we had with us, or the scream of a lunch that we had at a trattoria.

It was just so wonderful because the way that he was looking at me was sincere. He kept on trying to hold my hand and to kiss me, but I resisted as I didn't want him to be unprofessional in front of his clients. That would be bad.

But then after it was over, even though he is sick, he wanted to sit in a quiet, out of the way cafe with me to have a beer and to hold my hand. It was outstanding.

He's a funny man. He told me that he is so afraid, because he doesn't want to have feelings for me. I completely understand, because I don't live here. I know what his life is like. He wants us to meet in Scotland in April for a few days.

It's a funny thing. I could say yes, or I could say no. I want to say yes, of course, but I don't want to spend the next six months waiting to spend time with someone and not living my life at home. That would be bad. Joan, as if omniscient, quite randomly mentioned yesterday that being with someone if you are just "dating," doesn't need to preclude you simply dating someone else!

But of course!

I wish I could do it though.

At any rate, tonight would have ended up more steamily, but really it was not a good idea. We sat for a long time in his car and talked, and then I sent him home. He looked terrible. And I know he has to work tonight and also has big tours tomorrow. His tours are too big for me to join in, as he does not have room in his van. That's too bad. I wish I could. Maybe someone will cancel. :) It also unfortunately means that he will get home very late.

So I know that he can't really meet me tomorrow, but I was assertive about it and at least threw the idea out there. I said that if he can find an hour or two in the evening (or more), I would like that. Really, I would. And what the hell. What does one have to lose?

He said that he didn't think that I wanted to see him again after last weekend! Silly man! It does make me realize that I REALLY must be giving the wrong signals to men, as I thought all I was doing was indicating independence and that I was interested in my course and my activities. It is clear that men need more encouragement. DOH!

So....I am very happy. It sounds selfish and insane but I feel filled up. I feel happy.

Having said this, I still haven't emailed my boss and the time is running out. I have about two hours in which to do so. And then I could call the airline tomorrow.

There probably isn't even a seat available on another flight, but the honest truth is that as much as I WANT WANT WANT to stay, in my gut it doesn't feel right. I would be so ashamed to be the girl who went away on vacation and then didn't come back. It seems so cheap and irresponsible in the context of my workplace to tell tthem that I want to extend my holidays. That is not how things are done. I know that life is to be lived and everything, but I can't get over the shame of it. Also, since my promotions haven't been signed, sealed and delivered yet, I am afraid that I will damage those. I really need that money.

Anyhow. It seems that I will very likely go home on Monday. I explained this to M.

The other sad thing about going home on Monday though is that Joan's daughter is coming on Thursday and she really wants me to meet her. If I were to stay another week (i.e. to Sunday), I would have that opportunity. Still, I just don't feel right about it. Maybe I am being stupid or anglo or whatever I am. Am I throwing away something nice for no reason? One does need a job. :(

I should tell you quickly about the Mexican couple from today. They were AMAZING. So sweet and so in love. They have already raised their children. They have studied so many things. They are wonderful. The man has just bought a vineyard and is about to produce wine. He had a dream about a year ago and just decided to make it happen. Now he is studying everything that he can about wine and he is making it happen. I just loved these people. They made me feel alive. And they bought a beautiful bottle of wine for lunch and we got drunk and the whole table was being silly and laughing our heads off. The British people at the next table were clearly envious and listening to us, and they started to chime in. It was just hysterically funny.

But then no biking after lunch. It is the first non-biking bike tour I have ever been on! It was crazy! But it was cold and the couple were a bit drunk. So we took a castle tour and then walked around and drove back to Florence. We got back so late, and with the beer and AHEM kissing in his car...well, not so much sleep and comfort for poor him. I wish I could help him somehow. It is difficult. If I were here I could substitute for him.

Oh la la la la la. Why aren't there lovely men in Canada?

Actually, incidentally, M. mentioned that yesterday he had the most wonderful Canadian couple on a tour. He said the husband was so GREAT. So maybe there is yet hope. But I want to ask you, WHO ELSE BUT AN ITALIAN MAN WOULD STOP KISSING YOU TO SAY, AS HE RUBS YOUR SWEATER: "Oh, this is cashmere. I love it. It is beautiful." (Kudos to me for thinking of throwing it in my bag to wrap myself up in after the ride - long, brown, soft and cuddly. Just like me!)

Yes, I have decided that I am cuddly after all. Very cuddly. :)

OK. So this has turned out to be a marvelous trip. I wish I could make it longer. I wish I weren't so smart and responsible. Next year I will plan and prepare for 4 weeks leave, at least, and I will rent an apartment. I will give it a good hurrah. I will save and budget money and make sure that it is the vacation that I want. And hopefully I will not get sick.

Oh and the great thing is that I still have TWO DAYS LEFT! I am going to make a list tonight of the churches and galleries I want to go to in the next two days. I will not miss anything that I love. I will see it all!

And then I will get up early on Monday and I will do the responsible thing.

Wish me luck that M. feels a bit better tomorrow and decides to shirk a bit on his work (just a little bit) to spend some time with me. I wish I had a nice apartment so that we could even just cuddle up on the couch and I could make him some soup. How very domestic of me. :)

But life is like that sometimes. Oddly, I don't even think I am going to cry when I go home. As the Mexican lady said today, dreams can come true. She thinks that they took their last trip to Italy so that her husband could get his idea. She herself just started a Ph.D. Her daughter is studying in Paris. Money can help, non?

Yes, money is important. But so are dreams. I am goign to figure out mine and I am going to make them happen. No more sitting around Ottawa being miserable.

OK. GOD MY DREAMS WILL BE SWEET TONIGHT. I feel...peaceful. I can tell that he really, really likes me and that makes me feel so much better about everything. I don't feel like the stupid girl with a unilateral crush. He said is scared, as I woul d make him suffer. Not really, of course. But because I am so far away. I tried to explain to him that the future doesn't matter, only the NOW :), but it didn't really go over that well. I appreciate the point. But life is suffering, and whatever can you do about it. Not enjoy what you can while you have the opportunity? NAHHHH... Incidentally, he did throw out the suggestion of me coming to meet him in California at the end of October. He is going to be over there for a week for a wedding. I must admit that the fact that he invited me to meet him there gave me enormous happiness. I can't do it, but it is a nice idea. :)

And I haven't even told you about last night at the opera! OH GAWD, UPDATE: If you can believe it, I just did a count of the money in my wallet and I still have enough to nearly pay for my accomodation in cash when I leave. So it seems that I will be going back home with MORE money than I expected to, particularly since I still haven't withdrawn most of the cash I left for the trip, and haven't used my credit card except for the skirt. I suppose it helps to have an Italian who won't let you pay for stuff. The only real splurges have been the operas and the small bottle of purfume that I bought, plus the cheap jeans and sweaters because I was freezing. I feel as though I must be doing the math wrongly, but I think it's just that I've been so buoyed up by school that Joan and I have been eating cheap panini and having liquid dinners instead of expensive restaurant meals. Otherwise, I can't explain it. Oh, well I guess my course paid for many of my gallery entries and so on. Odd, really. I guess it is only fifteen days. I'm a frugal old lady, it would seem, when I thought I was being EXTRAVAGANT. And I even bought an Italian cell phone, though a cheap one. I guess the low spending days balance everything out. I am ashamed to admit that today I spent less than 1 Euro on a coffee, tipped 1 Euro, and that is it. EEK. That was by far my cheapest day. I really wish that M. would let me pay for things. I tried to convince him that if we went to Scotland he would have to let me pay. Honestly though, I'm not minding this men paying thing at all...I hate to admit that...Hmmm...

8:56 p.m. - 2008-09-26

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