enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Flights of fancy and earthly delight.

Very difficult to leave Italy. I know in my heart though that I have to go. It is sad. Boo hoo.

It is kind of one of those things where I am sitting here thinking can I afford to NOT stay and explore this further?

In the end though I know that there has to be some responsibility on my part. And it does seem as though there are very few flight options. I am pretty much 100% confident that I would not be able to change my flight.

I also figured out that one of my colleagues, the computer scientist, left on holiday this week, for three weeks I believe. That means that they really will want me back there.

I have gotten a few things out of this trip though. More than last time, I know what I need to do when I get back. I need to concretely work towards getting out of my job. I hate my job. I don't like the attitudes of my colleagues. I feel shriveled up when I am there. It is not good. There must be something better for me out there. I will find it this winter. If only it came easily! It always has to be difficult, unfortunately, but it can be worked out.

First, I need to figure out how to make more money. I also need to figure out how to save more money! Once I figure out how to save and make more money, more options will open up. I will more easily be able to figure out what I want to study, and how I want to live.

I was thinking this morning about the line: Show me whom you love and I'll tell you who you are.

I have always loved this line, because it is exactly right. You can see who you really are, even if it is a person you are not currently inhabiting, when you look to the people who inspire you.

The people who inspire me have a love of life. Like the people yesterday. They were so wonderful. They were rich, but M. is exactly like them and he is relatively poor. Actually, interestingly, I think he is slightly less poor than I thought he was. But whatever.

So yesterday was terrific because I could see exactly what I love about M. in action. He had Spanish music in his car. He knew what the Mexican people would like. As the day progressed we discovered (I should have realized) that these people are Jewish. M. had music by an Israeli singer in his car, since when he was younger he traveled all around Israel on a bike (motor :)). He has been all over. He said yesterday that, surprisingly, given all of his travel, Isra3l is the one place he would like to see again. He doesn't know why. Maybe it is because of what he was like when he was there. I think he was young and always very, very full of feeling.

The thing about M. is that when he says that he doesn't want to have feelings for someone because he doesn't want to suffer, I completely believe him. I was looking at a picture of the two of us together this morning (not sure if I am going to show it as I LOOK SO AWFUL!), and whereas my wrinkles I think look more positive and smiley, his look sad. He has a beautiful, melancholy look in his eyes. Of course he also laughs so much. I think he feels everything, which is of course why I like him so much.

Show me whom you love and I'll tell you who you are.

I think I had forgotten that he had been a jazz musician when young. And of course he does mosaics in the winter. I am kind of amazed and honoured by the fact that I can spend time with him. I didn't go as far as he did. I had less courage. He has lived better. He has continuously followed his passions. I wish I could say the same. I have cheated myself so much. But if you keep on listening to that voice it eventually gets stronger. And that is good.

11:51 a.m. - 2008-09-27

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