enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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I'm clearing out space in my life and in my heart for everything that I want in life.

UGH.

You ladies who have found your soulmates really don't know how lucky you are!

I keep on dabbling with that stupid dating site. I paid for it in April until NEXT April, so I take the profile down and then I think, "It's a sunk cost so what is the harm in putting it up? I know two people who have met their soulmates on just such a dating site." (Really, I do.)

It's just so horrible though. I'm taking it all with a grain of salt, so don't worry - I'm smiling and easy as I write this - but honestly I do wonder why I would waste my time on guys who clearly are completely delusional (lying, old, whatever), or just plain not logical.
I mean, I'd have to be pretty nutty to just randomly try to date a guy who lives in India, non?

I'm actually laughing at all of this. It's just such a monotonous, stupid process. And I know that it's something that has very, very low odds of working for me.

I have to tell you, and you're going to roll your eyes, but I really think that M. is the perfect guy for me. So why the heck does he have to be so much older, living in Italy, encumbered and realistic? It's difficult to explain, but you just know when you're with someone and everything is easy. Everything that comes out of the person's mouth is exactly what you would want it to be, i.e. something that fits with your values and with your perspective on the world (and trust me, for me this is a tall order). I loved the way that he told me exactly why he hated the art on the walls of his friend's restaurant, but not so as to be heard by others. He's got that perfect balance of integrity and decency and yet curiosity and analytical intensity.

It's only happened to me twice in life with men that I've immediately connected in this way, and only a half-dozen times or so with women. There just aren't that many "kindred spirits" out there.

Of course relationships can grow and blossom and become beautiful out of far less, I know. I'm not saying that everyone communicates what he or she is all about very well. I've grown to love some smashing people about whom I was uncertain at first. Some people just blossom in front of your eyes and you can't believe that you never noticed before how magnificent they are.

I think that men are particularly difficult to gauge online, largely because most men are very poor communicators. I don't mean this as an insult, but it's clearly a problem for many men who are looking for dates. The number one thing that I have found is that most don't want to say much about themselves. They want to "leave it open for the person to ask questions." As I've explained to a few of them, if you respond to the fixed questions that the dating site asks you that you "haven't read a book since school, so can't answer this one," can't live without your "golf clubs," and will tell me something more about you when I know you better...just about the only thing that I CAN discern about you is that you have a penis hiding somewhere on your person (left or right, I don't care). And while that is incredibly inspiring at times, it is not generally inspiring as I wade through my inbox.

Yeah, that's about it. :)

Of course, I must tell you that last year I went out with three very expressive guys whom I met online and in each case in person I was very, very convinced that these men were gay. One of them I saw three weeks ago - the diplomat with whom I had the most puzzling date - holding hands with a guy...so it seems that I don't have the world's worst "gay detector."

I love gay men. Honestly, I do. I've so often wished that I could make some of them like women. But alas...

You know, this dating thing comes up again and again when I go cycling on Sundays. I see these lovely guys in packs or in twos and they all seem to be in their 30s or 40s or 50s and I think, "One of these could be the one for whom I am looking!"

I've always found that endurance athletes, especially older ones, are people with discipline and commitment. That usually shows itself in all areas of their lives. I find these qualities attractive. But then maybe I should be seeking someone completely opposite to me?

Oh la la. My two favourite guys ever on first meeting were 1) A.; and 2) M. A. volunteered with Amn3sty International. He made me laugh SO MUCH. He was so quick with words and so delightful. He had degrees in English and French literature. He was a stage actor in London for a while before he had moved to Canada (and then moved back to England :(). He is a beautiful human. What I loved best about him was the whimsical way that led him to perform speeches on the steps of churches late at night, and, well, anywhere and everywhere to just be himself. The thing that I loved most of all was his observation of and sensitivity towards others. He's the kind of guy who notices all people, right down to the maids cleaning his bathroom. He'd have them laughing. He'd try to speak a few words in their languages. Beautiful.

M. is completely different. He's more serious and focused and shy, like me. But I knew within the first thirty minutes of being in the car with him that we'd get along famously, because he'd come out with these dry, hilarious remarks. They were almost under his breath but not quite. I could tell that he knows who he is and what he thinks. I love that. And of course there's the sports and the discipline and the integrity that he shows in how he treats people, runs his business, and takes care of his family. He has that steady, calm, patient way of being with others that I love. I can't stand impatient people. And then of course he had to do me in completely by showing me his art work. I'll try to take a picture when I'm there this time, if he'll take me to see it, as the bastard has yet to send me the promised photo. :):)

I sounds so naive and silly as I write this. I'm not, really. In part I even wonder - quite reasonably - if all of this is just a process of discerning who I want to be. We like people who mimic characteristics that we either have or want to have, I think. Not sure. At any rate, whatever will be will be.

So there you are. Men are funny. Relationships are funny. I really, really BELIEVE that the best one will come to me. I will find the best one for me. I just don't know when. How exciting to know that patience will be rewarded though! BoXx, I do believe.

OK. I have a splitting headache. I think it's a dehydration headache. It was hotter than I would have liked for our ride today. C. and I rode to the lookout, but we did the full loop. It was TERRIFIC. We saw two more lakes and beautiful trees and ooohhhh nature! It was wonderful. And then when we got back we ate a tub of Cherry Garcia. OK. Half a tub. But maybe I'll go over there and finish off the rest. :)

I might be disciplined but I am no angel. :)

9:04 p.m. - 2008-08-31

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