enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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It's a wonderful world

I just woke up! I love sleeping!

But even before the sleeping I had been feeling so well this week. I wasn't feeling hyper, excitable well. Rather, I felt concentrated and focused and relaxed well, which I just LOVE.

Is it a coincidence that I cooked food for dinner and took homemade lunches every day, and that I tapered completely off gluten again?

Hmm...I think not. I haven't heard anything from the clinic about that last gluten test that I had three and a half weeks ago. No news is supposed to be good news, but I'm quite suspicious. Then again, I need to arrange to have a battery of allergy tests, since it could just be a wheat allergy.

Either way, I'm pretty confident that wheat is bad for me. My thinking is much clearer now that it is gone, and I dropped off probably 2-3 lbs this week. I don't really need to lose weight, per se, but you know that feeling when you just feel trim and comofortable and your clothes fit perfectly? Yes, that's what I have. I have never owned a scale, so I can't check.

I've probably written this before, actually, but when I was younger and running I refused to get on a scale. This is because many coaches and agents would put the pressure on for girls - including me - to be very, very thin. My coach wasn't like that. Thank god, really, because for a while there I hated myself so much and wanted to be accomplished so much that lord knows I might have emaciated myself.

But anyhow. That's not really me. I'm pretty body confident, no matter how it goes - and it has some pretty dreadful features, thanks to AHEM, gravity - and I don't want to obsess over that. For me the problem is confidence in my brain and in my personality. I often think that people won't like me, that I'm not adequately fun or smart. This anxiety has been closing me off from life for quite a while. It is just easier to stay at home than to go out and be disappointed or to disappoint.

But my point in writing this entry is that I can see the strong link between my health and my feelings. I haven't been feeling well, digestively, for so many months, that now that I do feel well I feel an incredible pervading calm. It's really terrific. And now that I've quit gluten twice and had the same experience...I think I have my answer. I'd be a fool to go back.

Perhaps I'm too sensitive to the fine-tuned workings of my body. But it makes such a big difference in one's wellbeing and confidence and focus to be healthy. This thought gives me new empathy for people who have to struggle with illnesses. I am thinking of those people today.

OK. I've got to get ready to go tutoring this afternoon, and I also need to write postcards to the little girl in Ethiopia. I wish I had some of dancers - she likes dancing. Hmm...I'm very disorganized. It makes me so happy to think that she is going to school. I think that one day I will invite her to come over here and go to university here if she wants. THat would be thrilling. Her dad died when she was a little girl and so beyond that commonality (though mine died later), I just can't imagine being the oldest daughter on a subsistence farm in Ethiopia with no dad. No matter what she wants to do with her life I can't help but always equate education with power. It is true. For a girl it is true, even though sometimes it is even not enough.

Have a wonderful day!!

10:48 a.m. - 2008-08-09

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