enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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So much better today. Thank God.

Let me tell you...WHAT a great day.

So I woke up feeling well, as you know, as I wrote it this morning...and then I got a couple of nice emails from special people. One of them was M!

It made me quite happy, I must admit.

My apartment was so cool and sunny and pleasant this morning that I SOOOOO wanted to play hookey.

Instead I decided to go to work, only with a "Meh, screw it!" attitude.

This actually worked in the end, because the senior economist did TWO things to try to belittle me within the first hour, and I let these things roll off my back.

And then....

and then...

the magic began.

I don't know what kind of an idiot I have been for the last few months, but it is a BIG one.

I went to the library.

The main library is two blocks from my office tower.

I went there and got a library card.

I am a trained librarian, people!

I mean, I didn't have a library card!

OHhhhhhhhhh I was so happy within the four walls of a library. I always forget that and then when reminded the bliss is real. I just belong in a library. Libraries have always been my sanctuary.

So all I need to remember in future when I feel crappy at work is to...go to the library during lunch hour. Doh!

I got several of my books for my art course in Florence. Yes! I'm going to start preparing. This is a good way to keep my head together, since the Italian course never materialized on the summer school program, and I'm not sure about the drawing class in August for two nights a week (maybe).

Sigh. I just don't know why I allow myself to forget who I am and what makes me feel real and like myself again.

When I was in the library I realized that I should arrange my tutoring again. I don't know if I mentioned it but the girl I was supposed to be tutoring left the program. There IS, however, a reading tutor service at the library on Saturdays, so I'm thinking that I might start committing my Saturday afternoon to that. I would love to help kids with their reading. I think that it is mostly immigrant families who use the service, though I'm not sure.

Which brings me to another note: I told the ladies with the refugee charity that I can't come out on Wednesdays at the moment as it is just too late a night and I need to be sharp for work. This is true. I hope to go out again soon though. I do love that work.

This brings me to the final story of today: I am not going camping on the weekend. M. was actually - if I dare use the word - bitchy about it, and I felt badly enough for canceling so I let her be so. I explained why and I arranged to pay for everything, and she now has six people going instead of eight and so really no big deal, but she was very snitty. She said that she had already canceled my canoe and that I couldn't fit into one of the others (both statements probably untrue).

I can't change it though so it will roll off my back. I'll just let her sulk.

But my friend coincidentally emailed me this afternoon to ask me for lunch on Sunday, so I will go and do that instead. And then Dan invited me out on Friday evening. So that will also be nice. I do like handsome Dan.

Well, I'm boring everyone, I'm sure.

In closing, I will quote something that I liked that I read last night in that Eckh@rt Toll3 book that I am wading through:

The change goes deeper than the content of your mind, deeper than your thoughts. In fact, at the heart of the new consciousness lies the transcendence of thought, the newfound ability of rising above thought, of realizing a dimension within yourself that is infinitely more vast than thought. You then no longer derive your identity, your sense of who you are, from the incessant stream of thinking that in the old consciousness you take to be yourself. What a liberation to realize that the "voice in my head" is not who I am. Who am I then? The one who sees that. The awareness that is prior to thought, the space in which the thought - or emotion or sense perception - happens.

Ego is no more than this: identification with form, which primarily means thought forms...This results in a total unawareness of my connectedness with the whole, my intrinsic oneness with every "other" as well as with the Source.

I must say that I sat up in bed when I read that in the middle of the night last night. I can't say that it affected today's transformation, but it did bring me quite a bit of calm and a feeling of empowerment.

I still have a headache, though I think it is because I haven't slept enough. :)

Cheerio!

6:30 p.m. - 2008-07-15

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