enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm thinking of creating my own list of "cider house" rules for myself. I need to be disciplined.

You guys are so great! Thanks for the good wishes for my trip. I'm a little bit worried about the driving, but the weather will be good and I should be OK.

So I had a kind of a weird evening. First, I packed. Seems a simple task but when I started to think about it I realized that I didn't know how chilly it would be at night, I needed to take grubby clothes, I needed to find my bathing suits...you get the picture.

And when I started to pack I realized that things were a mess and I needed to clean. So I started cleaning and organizing a bit and I thought about how "student-like" and unfinished I've left my entire apartment.

And then for some reason I had the idea to move my bed around...

And that led to more organizing in the closet and the hallway and so on and so forth.

And then I nearly broke down because I feel so guilty about all of the money that I've spent on clothes in the last two years. I know that it has been mostly rational to buy clothes given that I've just started work again after a long hiatus, but I just felt so guilty about spending so much money recently.

So I went to my scrapbook and drew a big list of things that I am not going to do in the next year, like buy clothes.

I need to impose very harsh discipline on myself so that I become a much more practical person.

I need to not buy things. I need to GET RID Of the piles of things that are sitting around that I never use anymore and that are not good for anyone else, likely - worn out things, old running shoes (you would not believe how many pairs I still have and could not part with - so silly), old books from school that will never be looked at again.

I need to basically throw stuff out, buy some shelving, bookshelves and probably a wardrobe or another dresser. I really need to get organized.

Also, I need to go on ebay and sell some of my *good* things. And take my collection of vintage jackets to a vintage store. Or sell them on ebay.

It's ridiculous the stuff that I have in this tiny apartment, that I've collected over the years.

This year is going to be the year of austerity. No, not austerity - cleaning out.

So I did all of this cleaning and I felt like crying because I hate that I have all of these things that I really don't need.

(And it doens't make me feel better that I have been giving money to the furniture people and that I sponsor a child and that I give money to Docs without B0rders.)

I spend way too much money on MYSELF.

So enough of that.

After cleaning the shower and doing some laundry I was then standing at the sink doing the few remaining dishes and then all of a sudden I could hear a voice inside of myself saying, "I forgive you."

Really, I did! That's crazy.

But I realize that it is the only solution. You forgive yourself and you start fresh and all over again. I will not buy anything else after the pirate dress comes in. I'll be wearing that pirate dress in five years and everyone will be saying, "My, she's a little bit senile, isn't she? She's been wearing that pirate dress once a week for FIVE years."

Really, that's how I feel. I also feel as though I should sell my extravagant bicycle. I bought it last year because I was determined to make a new life outside of running, to meet people...but I don't want to ride with anyone. I seem to always do the wrong thing. I'm going to learn not to do the wrong thing. Oy....but then I'm going to Italy in September. I was telling someone at work about it today and saw the look on his face and realized that it is...crazy.

Well that's it for my guilt unloading. I needed to do it though. It was weighing me down tonight. I feel such a strong confessional impulse sometimes - like compulsive honesty is the only thing that will help me to move on.

Off to get some sleep so that I can have an enjoyable ride tomorrow!

Have a WONDERFUL WEEKEND!!!!

12:48 a.m. - 2008-07-05

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

other diaries:

stepfordtart
ohell
awittykitty
annanotbob
manfromvenus
smartypants
fifidellabon
hungryghost
hissandtell