enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Laugh at me if you will. And don't blame it on the sangiovese. If anything, blame it on the poppies. Those brilliant poppies. And a language that sings into my ear..

So I'm online late. Back to my old ways.

No. No, not really.

Just logging in right now I saw a ridiculous ad with pics of a half-naked J3ssica Simpson and a flattering pic of Cloon3y, stating, "Want a celebrity bod? Get the diet and fitness secrets of the stars."

Can I shoot myself now? How I hate this stuff, this culture. How can people be so stupid? And so hollow. If you can believe it, Larry used to talk to me about about how hot he finds J3ssica Simpson to be. J3ssica Simpson! What a joke! I was dating this guy! Oy!

I'm up because I needed to think. I needed to feel, I guess, that it all makes sense.

And I think I've figured it out. I've figured out how much I needed Italy. I needed it because it reminded me that all of the things that I know inside of myself to be true actually ARE true. I have to follow my own inner guide all the time.

I always think that I am alone, but it's funny how different things seem when one starts thinking beyond the usual perspective.

Tonight, for example, I made a large, beautiful meal for my best friend C. In so doing I fed my life, myself, my friend. It was great.

Sure, I don't have the perfect job, the perfect relationship, even a certain future with respect to the things that I would most cherish and want to have in life. But what a great gift to be able to live in a beautiful, embracing way every day, in every small way that that beauty can be realized.

YOu know, as they say, God is in the details. I've always held that to be true.

I am thinking just now of a great note that the ever-astoundingly wonderful Fifi left for saudades - and I hope that she doesn't mind me repeating and paraphrasing - about how you'd want to have a good relationship with God, and how you'd want to always offer hospitality to others.

I salute Fifi! That's the essence. That's the essence. I'm always so grateful for the fantastic people whom I've met here, and Fifi of course is a stalwart! ;)

Hope that you all had a good night.

I'm up late and I don't feel at all guilty! I've been good every other day this week, and I worked hard today. :) Tomorrow, I will work extra hard with just a wee bit of fatigue.

I think I'm going to move to Italy eventually, maybe in retirement. I don't know how, I don't know when. And I'm *going* to buy a place there, hopefully much sooner. It's my goal. And you are all invited. I mean that. I hope that you will all come to share a meal there with me. And if something prevents me from doing it I'm going to remember to always recreate a little bit of the self that I found there again, but here. :)

OK. Silly me should finally sleep. Or watch a movie. Not sure. I'm feeling QUITE delinquent. I'm always at my best when I am delinquent. One cannot sleep 10 hours every day, as I have been doing lately.

AND YES!! hungryghost - we must create an "I'm too smart for your practical everyday bullshit" Fac3book group. Touche! (It's what C. can't stand the most about me, too.)

You know, I was just thinking about my crappy cv and all of the lack of attention that I put into so many things...and I realize that it is all because I love to feel the beauty of the moment. I do things for the sake of doing them. When I trained I would train so fully and completely and people would tell me not to leave my best races on the trails of the endowment lands. But I loved those forests! I never cared about the races. And I feel the same way about my current life. And it's OK. It's OK to not achieve anything, but to feel everything.. There - I've put it in writing.

12:26 a.m. - 2008-05-29

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hungryghost
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