enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Never forget that even days have variable textures.

Well I have to admit that I was feeling JUST TERRIBLE this morning.

My gut was hurting. I felt tired. A headache was developing. I'm going to stop eating wheat again, to see if that helps. I have let myself eat it in the last week. Maybe I just need to keep it at small quantities.

I'm guessing that it is allergy season that is making me feel quite terrible. The feeling at the back of my throat should have been enough to discern this.

I feel so happy though. Brunch with Dan was nice. I was there.

And then I got home and took a tablet and I have started to feel better. I stopped and evaluated why I was feeling crappy, and I thought again that I need to just move forward, fill my life with beautiful activities.

So I went online and checked out the language classes. I really hope that the local school board offers another Italian course this summer. The one that they offered in the spring and which ends on June 2 is quite near to me and quite cheap. I don't want anything very formal - just something fun and cheerful to get my tongue exploring those sounds. I'm really not very talented with languages. It's pretty much the only academic frustration that I've ever experienced, and it's a big one - I can learn the grammar well, learn lots of vocabulary...but pronouncing and allowing myself to express myself in another language in an organic way is very difficult for me. I realize that this is likely because I was not exposed to a second language until I was a teenager.

And again the art school does not have their courses up yet.

I'm starting to hesitate a little bit about taking one of their courses. They are fairly pricey and will only go from July to end August. This photographer guy who runs the coffee shop that I usually go to at work gave me the email address of an artist buddy of his who has drop-in life drawing sessions at his house. Basically, everyone just throws in a contribution to pay for the model. So I'm thinking I might like to do that, although I do need some more formal instruction. Not sure. Maybe I will try both.

At the same time I've always been pretty stubborn. When I was doing my anatomical drawing course I caught on quickly. A great deal of it was intuitive, but a lot of it was academic. I loved poring over the books and materials - just like I love poring over my Ruskin or my books of drawings - and I guess that analytical gene sort of kicks in and provides me with some kind of intrpretation of what I am seeing from which I can draw.

I really want to do my own thing; I don't want to be taught exactly how things should be done. On the other hand, I did benefit from some of the direct teaching of my lovely teacher in that last course. Not sure. I suppose it is worth thinking about.

So this afternoon I think I am going to walk out and buy some sage and cannelini beans, to make fagioli al'olio as one of my meal items for tonight. And of course I will buy some nice red wine. And I will crack open my Master Class in Figure Drawing book to do some practise and thinking. It is good, these activities. I am thinking and growing.

Maybe one day this thinking and growing will actually involve other people.

I actually told M. that I would not come tomorrow to see K. run and to have lunch and so on. Perhaps I pull back too often from social engagements. I am so guarded in how I spend my time. I need to think about this some more. ;)

I've thought very loosely about moving back to the other department - more as a general visualization exercise - and I see myself back there. It wasn't a conscious thing to think about it; as when I was running I could just see myself back there. I think that that's a good sign. I'm starting to feel peace.

You know, I was just thinking that when I lived in Montreal pretty much my favourite thing to do was to wander around on a bright sunny day, looking up at the crooked rooftops and angles and wrought iron staircases and framing them against pieces of blue sky. I loved the dark, angular shadows on every wall, in every crevice. And I used to feel so guilty for doing this, as though I was wasting time that could be spent with other people, moving my life into something better. But I understand that this activity was not only a method of coping with the intense stress that I felt in dealing with the PhD that I knew was wrong for me (not to mention my horrible supervisor), but a way of starting or continuing my way of observing the world. I now see it as training in the kind of aloneness that I am comfortable with. I've been doing it all my life, really. And it's time that I said, "That's OK!" (And then afterwards go out for a drink with some real humans. :))

Well, I should get out in the sun to grab some ingredients for dinner. Have a GREAT afternoon!

4:04 p.m. - 2008-05-24

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