enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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The headache is sort of gone, but not quite.

Today has been a very uncomfortable day. There is definitely something in the air.

I felt ill and I took some tablets.

I felt slightly better and went for a walk.

The headache came back with a vengeance in the evening.

And then for some mysterious reason it has gradually dissipated. So I feel better now. But two hours ago my head hurt so much I thought I was going to vomit. So strange!

I wish it would rain, maybe to clear the air of pollen. I am wondering if it is birch. I should go on the Enviro Cda website to see what the allergen levels are today. The big O is really bad for this stuff. It's a valley. A pollen-collecting valley.

Anyhow. My allergies seem to be terrible here.

So M. emailed me today. He'd had a French Canadian couple on a ride today and they'd made him think of me. Apparently the girl was a runner and was strong on the hills.

I kind of wish he would stop emailing me, because it serves to make me feel a bit lonely and pining-like and wishful and so on. I felt removed today from this city, from this life. And probably what I need to do is to try to find a connection here rather than feel disconnected.

S., my Czech econometrician friend called me up at work out of the blue on Friday and invited me out for brunch tomorrow. SO even though I canceled Marion - guilt, oops - I told him I would go. Brunch won't kill me. I can be so social - or at least when I am abroad - so I must just have a mental block here in Ottawa.

I also realized today as I saw all of the runners around my neighbourhood both before and after the 5k and 10k races that I don't care if I ever run another race.

I know, weird! And what I think it was is that I've realized that I want to do meditative, peaceful activities. Running can sometimes be like that but racing never is so. I think that maybe I've been there and done that. There's so much hoopla surrounding races now. I need more peace. A group of cyclists rode by me in matching jerseys today though and I did think, "I like riding." I'll likely start riding alone but then might get into a group. It's rhythmic, I guess, and lacks talking for the most part.

I also realized when I got back from shopping - I bought groceries for C. as he is working on his dissertation this weekend - that I love to walk. Again, walking is such lovely, swingy exercise. I walked so much in Florence. Around, up, down. It was wonderful and peaceful. My morning runs along the canal are perhaps all the intensity that I require.

It's funny, you know - when I started marathoning fifteen years ago I was the only person I knew, either in my age group or older, who actually ran or would consider doing a marathon. There were always people who knew someone - usually a dad or something - who had run a marathon in the running boom in the 70s and 80s. He was usually some outlier hyper-fit middle-aged doctor or CEO or something like that.

And now I've completely lost interest in running and it seems that everyone around me is preparing for or has run a half marathon or a marathon. It's funny how trends go. Half of the people in the office were going out today, and the other half were to watch wives or girlfriends run.

But the strangest thing is that I actually feel at this point that going forward in life the healthiest thing for me to do is much less intense exercise - maybe hiking, moderate cycling, walking, paddling. I mean, all done at a gentle pace in order to really *experience* nature and so on. I just don't want things to be fast. I want them to be slow and gentle, in general. Funny. I wonder if ten years from now all of the current marathoning people will be saying the same thing as am I. Society seems to oscillate in that way in its views of exercise and so on. I remember the big low-fat craze ten years ago. I never liked it and would never eat any of that stuff. And now people seem to agree with me that that processed low-fat food is empty, filler food. They seem to advocate real food in moderation. That just seems...logical!

It's not that I'm a trend-setter. Good grief, none of this has anything to do with me! All I know is what feels good, what feels right for me. And for me I think the crazy marathon running was wayyy too much - it was another form of self-flagellation. I needed to prove that I was good enough. I wanted to be "tough." I wanted to discipline my body into some twisted idea of "perfection." I've said this before but I really do think that running more than 5 or 6 miles is in general actually too much, unless perhaps on a soft trail and in fresh air. I think that the human body is due less trauma for some reason. Perhaps this is simply because my body is tired. :) When I run too much I always know that it is a way to mask other problems, solve them somehow, by feeling through the running that I am somehow in control of the uncontrollable.

It's funny that a much more gentle and patient body now is what I aspire to. Hmm...I hope I can find and sustain the inner peace to allow me to live in this gentler body, and to fully accept its imperfections.Hmm...You know I think what I am saying is that I'm seeking some kind of spiritual awakening, comfort. I want to feel very peacefully attuned with nature. I think that that's what this is all moving towards. It seems to be a path that is calling to me. I can't quite explain it. And it's an easy one and not an easy one. I feel embarrassed sometimes by my body, by the changes that I see and feel in it. It's quite silly.

OK. Well enough about me. That is too much of me, as usual! I'm just thinking out my headache, I think. And trying not to think about M. and his super-nice emails about how super-sweet and wonderful and great I am. I mean, I am not that great. And I don't want to pretend that I have a relationship with someone who lives across the Atlantic. No, that would not be good!

10:19 p.m. - 2008-05-24

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