enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Brunch with Dan in a couple of hours

Oh this morning is good.

I think because I don't feel much of anything. I mean, not in a bad way. There is just no drama. I'm just going to feel my way along and choose with my heart, my intuition, when the choices present themselves. My guess is that I will be going over to the other department, only maybe not immediately. We'll see.

But I don't want to talk or think about it until I have more information from my boss. That seems the respectful thing to do.

Besides, what is really important is what I do outside of work. This morning I am going for brunch with Dan. I'm not really looking forward to it, since although he is a wonderful guy, he has oddly taken to mooning over me lately. I really didn't think that he liked me, so C. was right about that. Oh well. He also says that he knows the crush is crazy and that I'd never date him, and he is actually right about that!

Actually, right now, I don't want to date anyone. It is sad to say in a way but I am happy basking in the sweet feeling of having known Marco, if only for a short time. I don't really need a relationship with a flesh and blood person. I just want to be myself and enjoy my independence and choices. I'm going to bike in the hills tomorrow, perhaps, and I'll definitely get up and run.

My new regime involving going to bed by 11 and getting up by 7 or 7:30 and running in the mornings is so great! I feel so solid and responsible and professional. I was driving myself insane over the winter by staying up too late and not sleeping enough. Maybe I needed those wee hours for myself because I was lonely and sad. But that bit is done.

I don't know. I feel optimistic and in control for the first time. And I feel excited about the new job that I will eventually have - I think I will be so much more inspired and interested when I am over there. And of course there will be all of the wonderful people over there who love to have jokes and friendly conversations and debates. There's a culture of that on the other side of the river. The culture on this side of the river is more "royal family."

Ah lalallalalal. I really don't have anything else to say. This weekend is Ottawa race weekend. It's the national marathon championship. I know, I know, you are surprised that I am not excited and not interested. I might get up tomorrow and walk the two blocks to the canal to watch the elite athletes come in. But this year since I've lost interest in running I could take it or leave it. The way I figure is that I devoted ten years of my life to running and now I am free. It just doesn't excite me that much. And the whole "everyone must run a marathon to be deemed a successful middle class person" thing leaves me a bit annoyed.

It is not that people shouldn't run marathons if they want to - of course they should and good for them. But here it is less fun than a rite of passage for status. I'm not crazy about that. It's not like in London where they all raise money for causes and wear crazy hats and stuff. Here it's about signing up for a RR clinic and all wearing the same clothing and then weeping and self-congratulating about everyone's bravery for getting through 42k. Sigh. But whatever. I shouldn't be so judgmental. You'd think that these people were taking something away from me! No one really can take away the joy of racing just to race and to hurt. I realize that. I really can be horrible.

I slept too long last night - nine and a half hours! I just got into bed and kept on sleeping. I really didn't need to sleep that long.

I should eat some breakfast. Breakfast is good. I know that I will be having brunch with Dan but maybe just some coffee and fruit and something sweet will do. In Italy every day I would eat an omelette that they made with cheese and bacon. And I still lost weight. What a beautiful country!

9:14 a.m. - 2008-05-24

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