enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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Dr. Ph!l I am not.

UPDATE: ACK! I have to tell you. Today, FARRAH started randomly talking to me and being nice to me for the first time. I almost fell over. Can you believe it?

Ohhhh....I worked so hard today. I worked without getting up, from 9:30 to 7, just to get a damn file done for my boss. BUt it's done and signed off and now all of the unexpected stuff can be my workload for tomorrow.

When I was younger I never allowed enough time for unexpected stuff at work. I'd always work up to the last minute before a trip, thinking that I had enough time...and of course one never does.

I think I'm in pretty good shape today.

The really great thing I realized as I was walking home from work right now is that I'm incredibly focused. I'm not hung up on anything. I didn't even think about the T. guy today, and then when I got home I logged on to find a really nice message from him. And I didn't get excited about the message. I just thought, "Gee, how easy it is with this guy. I really like the way he feels free to say stuff like how happy he is that he caught my attention."

Also, I put up a picture of me at my favourite pub last fall. The poet scientist actually took the picture - it is a profile - and I'm wearing grotty clothes, have no makeup on, have my hair super short.

I rather like the picture though, because I'm obviously laughing and I look happy. I always like those pictures best of myself that I think show my true personality rather than make me look my most objectively attractive.

Well, I have to admit that last night I toook the picture down, wondering if I was going a little bit too far. Also, not that I have a chest, but it seemed to expose a little bit too much (nothing serious, you can see my bra a bit).

And of course, do you know what? The guy, T, commented on the fact that I'd taken down that picture of myself "at the M. That picture was so CUTE."

??

Men. They confuse me. I thought they wanted to see girls in dresses with pretty hair and everything. Seems they want to see sweaty girls with no hair and no makeup.

Anyhow. I do have to credit the dude with good taste, because I kind of think he's looking at the personality in the picture. I really like that. Even if there is no connection with this guy I think we will have a nice, friendly time. Perhaps he'll become a good friend.

And the other thing I thought today - and this is not a dig at anyone else - is that I literally never think about my old boyfriends or even my ex-fiance anymore. Or rarely. Or at least in relation to meeting new guys. The Andrew thing was a bit of a lapse when I was incredibly drunk on Saturday. TO be honest, he rarely crosses my mind these days, except like a kind of a warm breeze. I'm not looking for anyone exactly like him anymore, and I certainly do accept that he would have made me miserable. He was too depressed all the time, too vulnerable, too unsettled in his personal and financial habits.

I, too, have been unsettled financially. But I'm on a completely different track now and once I change course I'm on the course. There comes a time when you have to kick yourself in the ass and choose to think differently about yourself, choose to let go of the past, choose to correct your thinking.

One of my formerly favourite diaries reminds me of this all the time. Fifi will know what I mean - I worry about this girl all the time. But the problem with this girl - that I can see so clearly - is that she has all the personal assets and yet in every possible way has unhealthy patterns of thinking. She chooses to stay stuck in the same place within herself, instead of stopping and facing the music and making a radical shift. Until you make a radical shift when things aren't working, you're going to keep on ending up in the same vulnerable position.

I definitely don't have all the answers and I fall down all the time, but I think I know what the right program is that I have to get my brain running on. I just hope I can continue to execute the code.

You know, if I were to think about what Andrew means to me the most, it is that at that one time in my life I think I came the closest to choosing the bohemian crazy life that I've always wanted. It couldn't last, for sure - one really does need money and protection against illness and hardship - but it was such a ride for a while. It was living on ideas. It was like living on "love and fresh water," as sayeth the French.

All of that is OK but the thing that I resist most is rosying the past. The past is great but it had its potholes, non?

So I choose not to talk about the past anymore, except in occasional glimpses. It's just not interesting.

The one legacy that Andrew left me that I will never forget though is this: a great first kiss. I don't think that there is anything that will recover a relationship for me if there is not a great first kiss! :)

Kidding. What do I know?

I DEFINITELY have watched the kiss in A Room with a Vi3w WAAAAAAAY more times than is healthy.

So, all good. I think I have to go now and call back a friend who is having trouble with her husband AGAIN.

She never calls me otherwise and dammit her husband is a friend of mine from university...WHat they really need to do is get some counseling - their problems I don't think are relationship-threatening (they're both idiots :)) - and leave EB to herself.
All I end up saying is "A, tell him that he's being selfish and you need more space. M, tell A that it is really important to you that you have this stuff in that space, because not having control over your space reminds you of your intrusive mother." THE END.

8:15 p.m. - 2008-05-01

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