enfinblue's Bluey (credit to Fifi for the nickname!) Diaryland Diary

"I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart." -Vinc3nt V@n Gogh

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the notes of the day

OK. Good day. I did not sleep well at all. I was too excited.

First, I did my tax return -finally; crazy, I know - and got a refund that will pay for my Italy trip.

How's that for good fortune!

Too, the nicest guy and I communicated through that dating site last night. I don't want to get excited about it because I'm really, really against the whole fantasy sight unseen thing. But there's something about this guy in that everything he says is the perfect answer - the answer that would come from inside of me if I were to ask the question. And he's totally ordinarily cute looking but there's this one picture of him that I find mesmerizing. I just like everything about it.

It's also one of those weird things in which he lives less than a mile from me across the footbridge - that I live at the end of - and he works less than a mile from my office but on the other side, and so every day he passes through my neighbourhood on his way to and from work.

It kind of reminds me of that story I've told here before - of that R3public of Love book that I like. The two main characters spend the first half of the book traversing the same streets and just missing each other.

I'm not going to be excited because I know full well that people are different in person than in writing. I mean, not completely. But I do mean that you can't conjure a physical self from photos or writing - and the physical self in a romantic relationship is critical. (And don't get me wrong, at all - the friendships I have found online I believe to be real and valid and with wonderful people. I don't mean otherwise at all! They enrich my life and in some small way I hope I can offer the same in return.)

I once had a long email relationship with a very smart and lovely guy. And when we finally met I was not attracted to him at all. I mean, it would have been interesting to know if I would have grown attracted to him had we had more time together, but as it was there was no chemistry. None at all.

So this is in part why I don't believe in things like d-land relationships for me. And when I say this I don't mean this as a jab at anyone else, not at all. I've heard of many situations in which people have found chemistry online - through chatrooms or shared interest sites and so on. But you have to get lucky with the chemistry. Plus you have to be on the same page to pursue a relationship with someone who lives somewhere else. I know that I'm not there and likely never will be.

I think that the reasons for this are interesting. Well, for one, I know that I'm in the right place for me right now and that I need to continue working out what I'm working out.

The second thing is that I know what it's like to create a person in your head who is so much *greater* in reality than they are in person. S. and I were apart so often during our relationship that when push came to shove and we were in Australia...I came to see firsthand that his values didn't match mine.

So what else? Well, I have a belief about myself that it is easier to have a fantasy relationship with someone than to make the effort to see an imperfect, flesh and blood person on the corner and make the attempt to cross that cavernous space between you. It takes a bit of vision, definite insight into yourself, and the willingness to enter into space you've never known or seen before.

A fantasy relationship on the other hand is not uncharted territory. Because basically the narrative that I (one) write(s) in my/one's head is the same narrative I have written over and over again. A person can never fit into that particular box -it's my story, not his.

So all I can say about this guy - T. - is that there's something very appealing about the communication with him - it feels easy. I will leave myself open to either being attracted to him or not, but feeling interested and so at ease over meeting someone new in writing is such a nice feeling!!! And I was really touched by a reaction that he had to something that I wrote - as I'd written it I thought it was incredbly honest and got to the heart of the question he was asking, and it was not manipulative at all - and today he wrote, "I really liked your answer to that last question. I feel apologetic now that I asked the question but I wanted to tell you how much I appreciated the answer." Or somethign like that - I don't have the text in front of me.

So anyhow I think I will just see if I can have a coffee with him this week before my trip, to cut it off for both if there's no potential there, or leave something exciting to come back to when I return. Why not? At this stage it's a fantasy relationship. I want to do one better. :)

Oh, and I bought E@t Pr@y Love for light, cheerful reading on my trip. I'll take one heavy tome and then I was thinking of maybe buying Flaub3rt's P@rrot. I don't know. I have so many books lying around I should probably just assess my mood on Monday.

7:41 p.m. - 2008-04-30

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